Palma Beach 10k 2017

10 Things I Think About The II Palma Beach Running Course 10k

1. Jerry Kieran is Right

I think lunch in a Michelin starred restaurant the day before a race is very bad preparation for a race, lunch in a Michelin starred restaurant followed by a three course dinner in a Belgian restaurant that specialises in Belgian beer is exceptionally bad preparation. I woke up this morning feeling like one of the GAA players that Jerry Kieran was ranting about yesterday, big, heavy and not very mobile.

2. Orval

I think Orval is my favourite beer. It's absolutely perfect, I should have just had another one instead of asking the crazy Belgian guy what he'd recommend. "Ah zee Westmalle Triple, excellent beer".

3. Scorchio

I actually needed sunglasses today. I don't think you could have run the race without them. I wore my orange ones because I like them. The sun is brilliant, it makes your head happy and your skin brown. I like the sun a lot.

4. German Santa Ponsa

I know I like Germany and Spain but the two combined together is an apocalyptic vision. The race was on in a German version of Santa Ponsa just down the coast from Palma. It was horrendous, like Youghal on a sunny day with lots of retired Germans. All the signs were in German and the people were waiting at the traffic lights even though nothing was coming.

5. Queue

I think I knew that the race was not being run by Germans when I saw the queue for registration. It was very Spanish and very long.

6. The Parade Ring

I think it's great fun to wander around the start trying to figure out who's any good. It's not as simple as pick out the skinny ones. It's like picking horses in the parade ring, you've to check for conditioning. I asked one of the locals who le meilleur was, he understood my French, but he didn't know who el mejor was. He said the race would be won in 3:15kms, he was right, he didn't seem to think I was any good, he was right.

7. Start

Unsurprisingly due to the Spanish queue the race started 10 minutes late, no one really cared because it was sunny and you don't care about these things when it's sunny. Due to feeling like a GAA player I had no interest in taking the lead and decided to follow the leaders and sit in like people always tell me to. I couldn't even do that though so I settled for what felt fast which was about 6th place.

8. Traffic Cones

I think the Mallorcans may have contracted out the placing of the traffic cones that marked the two turning points at either end of the course to one of the many Germans in the area because it was exactly precisely 10k. Either that or it was pure luck.

9. The Sprint

I spent the whole race chasing a guy in a blue t-shirt who had clearly gone off too fast, he was coming back to me the whole race. I thought I was going to repeat my heroics from last weekend and outsprint someone again. I tried my best but there was no response. My sprinting superpower just doesn't work on the road, it needs grass or muck or both.

10. Majorly Spained

I thought I was going to get to stand on the podium today. I really like podiums, the photos look fantastic on Instagram. They had loads of trophies so I thought I'd a chance having finished 6th because there were lots of fast old men running. I asked one of the Spaniards if I had won anything. He showed me a sheet with my name in second place in the senior men category and said to wait one hour for the prizes. I waited and waited and waited while all the trophies disappeared, there was no trophy for me. I didn't really care mainly because it was sunny and hot, the sun makes everything better even a good Spaining.

Munster Novice Cross Country 2017

10 Things I Think About The Munster Novice Cross Country

1. Clarecastle

I think Clarecastle is a beautiful place, it’s like the Glanmire of Ennis. They have a big Centra and a river that looks like it floods a lot. There’s a pub called The Castle too. It’s very pretty. I’d still rather live in Glanmire though.

2. Yucky Mucky

I think I was the only one there today that was actually looking forward to the muck. It probably needed more rain to be honest. The muck was absolutely fantastic, utter misery, never the same pace, slow fast, slow fast, surging and searching for lines. It’s a different type of running. It’s like Formula 1 in the wet, a good driver in a rubbish car can suddenly be the fastest.

3. Badly Behaved Boy

I think that the more I try and not care about these races the better I run. Voodoo Rooms on a Friday night has to stop. I don’t even like it, it can’t be good for running. At least I went to Badly Drawn Boy beforehand to get some culture.

4. Performance Enhancing Spikes

I think I need to get a new pair of spikes. They really don’t last more than a year. It was a big mistake to stuff them with J-cloths last year and then leave them in the boot of the car for 12 months fermenting in a bag. I reckon the green mould that grew on the J-cloths is some sort of performance enhancing drug. I might try and isolate it in the lab.

5. Fang Club

I think it was a good idea to stay out of the mosh pit in Cypress Avenue the night before the race. It looked like great fun, a lot like the start of the race today, lots of pushing, pulling and dragging for no particular reason. Nothing like a bit of grunge to get you amped up before race. It’s good stuff.

6. War Paint

I think it was a bad idea to try and daub some local muck on my face before the race. I couldn’t wear my sunglasses so I decided on a bit of war paint just to try and intimidate the others at the start. I now understand why a mirror is very important when applying make-up as I just looked like baby who’d enjoyed a chocolate ice-cream on Ash Wednesday. I think I’ll stick to the sunglasses or actually use war paint.

7. West Cork Mafia

I think I was really worried after 200m of the race. Normally I’d be well clear but today I was back in about 15th after picking a bad line into the first corner. I quickly figured out where the dry line was in by the ditch and caught up to the early leader Denis Coughla. I knew Denis wouldn’t last more than 1500m, I was right.

8. Super Domestique

I think it was a pleasure to work in the service of Mark Wals today. I felt like a member of Team Sky working for Bradley Wiggins in the Tour De France, burying myself for my leader on the front and then pulling over on the final climb with 400m to go. I even shouted “Go Mark Go”. All I was short was a team radio with Donie shouting into my ear, “Dats grand now”. Some day I might be good enough to get my own domestique. I could be the next Chris Froome.

9. Height Matters

I don’t think I’ve ever been beaten by someone who was way taller than me. I’ve been beaten by fatter, smaller, shorter and wider but never way taller. That guy from Ennis Track must be 6’6. Logic would suggest that the muck would favour the short skinny stumpy runner but it seemed to be the big lumps like me that prospered today. I’ve no idea why. It makes no sense. Perhaps it’s because it was on in Clare, things are different up there.

10. Rocket Fuel

I don’t think I’ve ever beaten anyone in a sprint finish before. I’m normally utterly hopeless. I thought all my work today on the front was in vain as I’d dropped to fourth coming into the last 200m. The Ennis giant was uncatchable in second but I sensed that Conor O’Mahony from An Riocht was vulnerable in third. I waited until we were just entering the home straight to launch my vicious kick. I don’t know where the huge kick came from but I bounded past like a rather large gazelle. The Satzenbrau from Friday night must be rocket fuel, I’ve no other explanation.

Cork County Senior Cross Country 2017

10 Things I Think About The County Senior Cross Country

1. Misery

I think I still love cross country. I really love the misery. God it's great, absolute pure pain and suffering. No cash prizes, just medals, pride and beating people. It's perfect. I was trying to explain it to Mitch on the drive up. I think he understands now. Hopefully they won't cancel it like Ballycotton. That would be awful. I don't think I'd have any reason to live in the country if both were gone. I'd probably move to Spain or Germany if they did.

2. Marathon

I think I would have beaten Mark Hanrahan if I hadn't run the Berlin Marathon two weeks ago. You're supposed to take many weeks off after a marathon. If people are right (and they normally are) then it's absolutely amazing that I was able to walk let alone run today. I have however mastered the debadification process after three marathons. Drink and eat recklessly for three days in Berlin, run 5 miles on the Thursday, 5 on the Friday, 10 on Saturday and then back to normal. Drinking definitely helps, the alcohol kills all the damaged muscle fibres.

3. Leave Before the Lights Come On

I think it's a good idea to leave Voodoo Rooms at 1am on the Friday before the county senior cross country. Any later and you might do something silly like lose your phone and want to cancel all your bank cards.

4. Polytunnels

I think that it's important to do something on the Saturday before a big race to take your mind off the imminent pain and misery. A tour of the polytunnels in the gardens of UCC with John Meade, Conor and John took my mind right off the cross country. I have a new appreciation for polytunnels after it.

5. Palmetto

I don't think I've ever run badly the day after a pizza at Palmetto. It must be the healthy sourdough base. It doesn't matter if you have beer or cider with it, it's excellent fuel for running. I had San Pellegrino this time and it still worked. I still prefer Novocento though.

6. The List

I think it's important to have a list of names of people that you'd like to beat in a race. I had a nice list, some were in red, underlined. It's not a list of hate, it's a list of respect. If you want to beat someone it means that you respect them. I hope that I'm on other people's lists if they're mad enough to have a list.

7. Tool

I think I looked like a tool running around a farmers field in Conna with a pair of orange sunglasses on. Well Mark Walsh said I did. They didn't even match my singlet. I'm pretty sure the conservative cross country crowd didn't approve. There's probably some county board by-law against sunglasses in races. There seems to be one against everything else. I did have a reason for wearing them though as on the warm up with Michael Herlihy I noticed that the orange tinting definitely helped distinguish the cow shit from the green grass on the course. Marginal gains and all that.

8. Start

I think my starting procedure for cross country is perfect. Everyone else seems to think it's mad. Someone even shouted at me to calm down this time. They're definitely right for road races but in a cross country race you need to be up the front. The places don't change much after a lap. Plus I was the only one to see that Mark Hanrahan very nearly fell and broke his ankle at the first corner. I think he was worried about me, not that I'd beat him, just worried.

9. John Meade

I was very happy to finally beat John Meade. It was more of an annihilation than a bad beating. It has been approximately 2786 days since I last beat John Meade, it was cross country then too. He tried to pass me after 3 laps but I was having none of it and immediately crushed his rebellion like a Spanish policeman in Barcelona. I think I should retire now. Although I'd like to beat him again. I really like beating John Meade because he's really really good.

10. East Bloody Cork

I think I don't like East Cork. They're very good at cross country races. We had about a million runners, they had about five and they still won. It's not fair. I don't know how they do it. It's like North Korea beating the USA in a war. That should never happen.