Streets of Portlaoise 5k 2022

10 Things I Think About The Streets of Portlaoise 2022

1. Nothing

I think that it is very hard to think anything about Portlaoise. When I think about Portlaoise nothing happens. This 5k is definitely the best thing about Portlaoise.

2. Kia EV6

I think that it is a great pity that Michael Herlihy wasn’t able to run in this race. I think that he would have been so happy to see an electric lead car that he might have run very fast after the electric car. Sort of like a dog after a stick with sausages attached to it.

3 Wrinkles

I think that I will have to get a lock for the washing machine room. My Leevale singlet and shorts were extremely wrinkled because Billy is obsessed with turning all the dials on the washing machine while it is on. I’m not sure why he wants to wrinkle all my clothes, perhaps he wants me to stay at home and take him to the playground instead of driving to Portlaoise.

4. Psychological Games

I think that you would want to have a degree in sports psychology to withstand the psychological games that happen on the start line of a race like this. At the start I stood just in front of Lizzie and Anne Marie McGlynn who proceeded to tell me how I was a major target for being chick’d. It’s a terrible feeling to think that they’re tracking you down relentlessly.

5. Stalling

I think that the getting off the line is very difficult when you are tall and everyone around you is small. I had to rear up and jump like a horse at the start to get going. There was no danger of me falling but there was significant risk of someone else falling.

6. Repetitio est mater studiorum

I think that one of the advantages of running races nearly every weekend is that you get very used to staying calm for the first hundred metres. If you haven’t raced in a while the first few minutes are terrifying, can I still do this? When it’s every week it’s like nah it’ll be grand, I’ll get going eventually which I did.

7. Bridging

I think that I did some excellent bridging in this race. I was struggling to find a reason to hurt once we passed through the town for the first time. I felt like I had missed my chance to torment anyone with my slow start, then I remembered that I had a chick’d target on my back. I used some help from Aidan to bridge from person to person up to Bernard’s group which in my head was probably around 1530 pace and unlikely to be chick’d.

8. Mount Laois

I think that the mountain in this race is excellent. It is a terrible hill at the worst possible point of a 5k. Everyone knows that between 3.5k and 4k is possibly the worst point to encounter a mountain in a 5k race. I’m pretty sure this mountain was the reason why PBs were not endangered. This wouldn’t happen in Newmarket.

9. Don’t Look at Your Watch

I think that the finish of this race is wonderful. It is such a great finishing long straight, very long, nearly a kilometre. Races should only be allowed to finish in the middle of towns as the atmosphere makes you run faster. Once we crested Mount Laois I thought I had the better of Bernard as it was downhill with the wind at our backs. Then I committed a terrible sin and looked at my watch. The time on the watch distracted me so I kind of forgot about racing and just drifted in. Never look at your watch.

10. The Aftermath

I think that the aftermath of road races like this is odd. If you don’t run a PB does it really matter where you finished? “How’d you get on? “Meh” is the most common answer. When I was walking back to the car I passed Michael Herlihy, he asked me “how’d you get on”. “I finished ahead of the women”. That was all that mattered.

Killeagh 4 Mile 2022

10 Things I Think About The Killeagh 4 Mile

1. Perhaps

I think that the Killeagh 4 mile road race is the most John Meade road race ever. Despite this fact it was almost impossible to find out if he was going to run the race. I asked him directly via email on Tuesday after a failed attempt to meet for a run, the response was a Shakespearean riddle that left me none the wiser as to his intentions.

2. Transfer Deadline Day

I think I will need to buy some more Leevale singlets. It is very hard to keep them clean when you race every week. I couldn’t find a clean one this morning, so I had to go with an alternative kit. I bought a lovely white Mizuno singlet with the word Corredor printed on it for €5 at the Expo in Seville. After debating wearing my Joma Spanish singlet, I decided to go with the white one as it looks excellent and Corredor means runner.

3. Special Guest

I think that it was unsurprising to see John Meade when I arrived at the car park. He had parked suspiciously close to the GAA clubhouse which suggested that he was either very early or they were expecting him. I’m pretty sure he had his own dressing room in the GAA clubhouse. He kindly waited for me to do the warmup which consisted of jogging out the last half a mile of the race in reverse. On the way back John showed me the railway bridge and said that this was the point where the race would be won. He finished his warmup at a mile and I continued on to do more because that’s what I do.

4. Carbon Copy

I think that the Killeagh course was almost a carbon copy of the course up in Clare last week. They even managed to arrange the unusual wind direction which meant that the first two miles were uphill into the wind. At the start I saw one of the officials sneak up to John Meade and whisper some last-minute instructions on the course into his ear. I didn’t need any instructions as it was essentially a repeat of last week and I had learnt my lesson well.

5. Racing School

I think that you only get to learn about racing when there are wind and hills on the course. Once we started I let the only other tall person in the race Michael Herlihy go ahead, thankfully a fella in Barr’s singlet thought that it would be an excellent idea to lead the race so a big group of us followed behind sheltering from the wind. I took inspiration from Viv last week and did not venture out into the wind despite how much I would have loved to have just gone for it.

6. Long Tanned Levers

I think that I am terribly disadvantaged running in these wind induced running pelotons. I spent the first two miles uphill into the wind chopping my stride trying not to trip up with all the little short legged creatures around me. It is terribly disconcerting; the cadence is also very off-putting and confusing; it feels odd to be taking three strides for every four that everyone else is taking. The only one I can really run comfortably is Michael Herlihy but he was behind me evaluating his new Asics magic shoes.

7. Attempted Coup

I think that my favourite part of this race was the bit from mile two to mile three. It was great fun. Just like in Clare when we got to the top of the hill at the end of the second mile we turned left down the hill out of the wind. Unlike in Clare I was very sensible and let John Meade try and drop everyone. I did a Viv and sat as far back as I could without losing contact while Aidan and James tried and failed to get ahead of John Meade. Once individual attempts on John Meade’s lead had failed I took up the vacant place behind John Meade content to follow like Viv would have done.

8. Honest Meade

I think that I can have no complaints with how John Meade ran this race. He is a very honest runner. I know most people don’t want to believe that he uses magic shoes because it just doesn’t fit the image, but at least he does take to the front and doesn’t just sit on you like Viv. James McCarthy was the only true honest runner in the race without magic shoes, he probably would have won if he had of worn them but he didn’t, so he had to settle for third behind me.

9. Capitulation

I think that because I was so focused on following John Meade I kind of forgot the momentous occasion that was taking place. Once we passed the three mile mark I realized that I could neither see nor hear Michael Herlihy. Then I realized that if I could just stay with or near John Meade I would finally beat Mike on the road after 14 long years of trying very hard. Once we got to the railway bridge where on the warm up John Meade had said the race would be won I heard the unmistakable sound of a tremendous distant groan from Michael Herlihy. I knew then that I had him beaten if I could just keep running off the bridge to the finish, which I did.

10. Popularity Contest

I think that I am very jealous about the popularity of John Meade. The amount of "Well Done John Meade"s after a race win is not proportionate to the excellence of his performance. It makes me feel very upset when I compare it to the amount of "Well Done"s I get on the odd occasion that I win a race in Doneraile or Spain. Despite my jealousy the cacophony of “Well Done John Meade” in the hall with tea and sandwiches after the race was great to hear especially after two long years without indoor tea and sandwiches. It was a fitting result. Well Done John Meade.

Munster 4 Mile 2022

10 Things I Think About The Munster 4 Mile Road Race in Quilty

1. Near, Far Away

I think that I made a mistake going to Clare. I should have taken the John Meade option and gone to CIT for the handy 5k. It would have been a lot easier. Everything about going to Clare was hard, from figuring out how to enter the race, to driving two and a half hours on the roller coaster roads of west Clare. At least it was sunny and beautiful.

2. Don’t Forget Your Packed Lunch if You Want to Run the Race

I think that my favourite thing about this race was the only piece of information that I could find about the race on the internet. It was an excellent letter with critical information on the race, like the start time, location and most crucially instructions that all competitors were to bring their own packed lunch. I don’t think I’ve ever brought a packed lunch with me anywhere. I wasn’t sure if they would check for the packed lunch.

3. Multiple Categories

I think that there are too many categories in running. I think I was eligible for Senior, Novice and Moderately Old Man but because only M35 was ticked on my entry I wasn’t eligible for the other categories even though I was eligible. It would probably be simpler if they had someone at the finish who based on appearance assigned a category. Appearance is far more relevant than age in running.

4. Reverse Arrogance

I think that I knew I was in trouble during the warmup. I ran with Viv who I wasn’t particularly worried about as I’ve destroyed him in the last five outings. Worryingly he looked very fresh and bouncy. He gave me his usual nonsense about being happy to win his category. The nonsense is infuriating, it’s like reverse arrogance, it’s maddening. The quantity of nonsense is normally proportional to how well he is about to run, there was an abundance of nonsense on this occasion.

5. Uphill Headwinds

I think that I knew I was in even more trouble after about 400m. I knew that the wind was going to be a problem, wind is not my friend. The wind was coming from the east off the land which must happen once a year in Quilty. After 400m Tim and Kevin had already disappeared off up the road leaving a huge group behind. When we turned right into the wind it became clear that trying to do anything other than stay in the group was going to be pointless. Barry was a very excellent honest leader and led the group while I sat at the back trying not to clip all the magic shoes. Viv was there somewhere at the back, hiding.

6. Echelon

I think that this race was more like a cycling race in Holland than a running race in Clare. As we ran up the hill into the cross headwind, we started to crab across the road like you see in the Tour De France. Poor Barry was stuck at the front of the echelon grinding away into the wind while the rest of us sheltered behind from one side of the road to the other. I knew that Viv was loving this and would do everything possible to avoid feeling even a puff of wind conserving energy like a man driving an electric car who wants to do a post on facebook about how he saved 13 cents driving perfectly.

7. The Gamble

I think that I made a major mistake when we got to the top of the hill. I hate running in big groups. It is awful when you have a big awkward stride like I do. I knew that once we turned left at the top of the hill we would be downhill with the wind at our backs, so just before we got to the top I left the back of Barry’s pack, swept around the outside and went as hard as I could down the hill hoping that the sound of the magic shoes clapping off the road would begin to fade. It did for a while but then it came back.

8. Trouble

I think that my gamble would have worked if the race had finished at the bottom of the hill but unfortunately it didn’t. By the time we got to the junction at the bottom of the hill. I had trimmed the group down to about six people. Unfortunately, Viv was still there, last of the six, bouncing along effortlessly.

9. Honesty is not the Best Policy

I think running in the wind favours nasty selfish runners who think only of themselves. When we turned left back onto the main road to Quilty the wind returned. This again made running solo pointless and impossible. For a while I thought that I might be able to repeat my Dungarvan finish but with about half a mile to go the Tipperary fella in the red singlet pushed on, Viv jumped on his back and was carried away off up the road with James Hayes and James Doran. Barry and I who were the only honest runners in the race were punished for our honesty and shelled out the back of the pack which we had founded.

10. Walking Photo Finish

I think that the finish of this race was very unusual. It was particularly hard as it ran back up the hill into the wind into Quilty. I was so annoyed and horrified at the sight of Viv disappearing up the road that I pretty much gave up. Despite pretty much giving up I nearly pipped James Hayes on the line in a walking photo finish. The high-tech chip timing gave the place to James but we both got the same time. Then I had to put up with a delighted Viv, thrilled with himself. I thought I’d finished with him, I was wrong.

Doneraile 5k 2022

10 Things I Think About The Doneraile 5k 2022

1. Magic Shoes

I think that magic shoes are my favourite invention ever. They make doing races a week after a marathon seem almost sensible. I think that eventually everyone will realize this and there will be no excuse for taking time off after a marathon.

2. Quads Bigger Than Calves

I think that I might have to retire the term debadification. It was really only applicable if you ran anything over a half marathon in normal shoes like a pair of Brooks Ghosts. There is almost no calf damage from the magic shoes, all the work is done by the quads and hamstrings. It’s like cycling and in cycling you can race every day because quads are bigger than calves.

3. My Favorite Place not Abroad

I think that Doneraile is my favorite place to run that isn’t abroad. The only problem with it is that it is very far from Glanmire. You can be in Spain from Glanmire in only double the time it takes to get to Doneraile and you don’t have to risk the N73 between Kildorrey and Mallow.

4. Indestructible

I think that races are the best protection against injury. When races were banned because of the disease I had two stress fractures. I am convinced that frequent racing prevent injuries. I think that monotonous training causes all the injuries, the variety of loading in the races keeps the injuries away.

5. I’m Not Making Excuses But

I think that every warm up is the same. A warm up is a collection of runners exchanging excuses with each other about why they aren’t going to run as fast as their Instagram account makes them look like they run. I warmed up with Gruff, I thought I had a good excuse with my marathon but Gruff had been standing all day the day before, his socks also might have been wet and I think he forgot to eat food on a Wednesday two weeks ago.

6. Alfie Verstappen

I think that if you run into the back of someone it is definitely the fault of the person who ran into you. Even though the magic shoes mean that I haven’t any badness It takes me ages to get going. At the start Michael Herlihy warned all the kids who were running that I was an awkward dangerous runner and to stay away from me. He should have warned them about Alfie who ran into the back of me at the left turn by the big tree. Just like Verstappen he blamed me for being too slow.

7. ICE

I think that leading a race is an awful feeling. Once we got onto the trail section between the two bridges I managed to get going like a big dirty diesel. I am definitely not like an electric car. I don’t like leading races, I don’t think it suits me, I find it hard to stay motivated, normally I am motivated by hate, fear of being caught isn’t as good a fuel as hate.

8. Ice Skating

I think that I have nearly fallen every time I have run this race. There is one treacherous left hand corner off the straight where the deer are. At the turn the surface changes from tarmac to sludgy slimy trail. I planted my right pink magic shoe like I normally do when turning left but it didn’t stick. Owing to my excellent agility I managed to catch the slide and continued off up the hill. I hope someone has a picture of it because I’m sure it looked excellent.

9. Great Victory by Me

I think that it must be great to be from somewhere like Kerry or Roscommon where you could win races the whole time. It would be great if people like John Meade and Conor McCauley never turned up and I could win all of the races. If I won more races I could develop a celebration like John Meade has.

10. Newmarket vs Doneraile

I think that it would be a lot better if the 5k in Doneraile was as popular as the 5k in Newmarket. They should not tell people next year and just hold it in Doneraile sort of like how they added the 500m to Raheny. Although I’m not sure if you could develop a calculator to convert a time in Doneraile to a time in Newmarket.

Seville Marathon 2022

10 Things I Think About The Seville Marathon the 2022

1. Problem Solving

I think that marathons are all about dealing with anxiety. I spent the week before the marathon checking the Windy app every 30 minutes not for Seville but for Cork. By Tuesday I had made up my mind that flying from Cork on Friday was not going to work so I gave Ryanair money to fly me to Malaga on Thursday morning. The weather in Spain was scorchio as normal.

2. Spained

I think that dodging the storm should have been the end of my worries. It wasn’t. When I arrived in Seville I got a taxi to my specially selected apartment very near the start. It looked very excellent on the website, very IKEA. When I opened the door I was greeted by very black mouldy walls with big chunks of plaster taken out of the walls and very battered IKEA furniture, there were probably bed bugs too but I didn’t wait to meet them. I googled the playbook for getting refunded on Booking .com, followed the script which involved complaining in short terse sentences to the hosts, taking photos of the black mould and ringing Booking .com twice. After two hours of negotiations I got refunded and booked into a place that I’d stayed at before that was moderately further away from the start. The black mould still has its 4.8 rating intact as part of the agreement.

3. Chupeta

I think that it was a great shame that Billy wasn’t able to run the Chupeta 50m race for under 2s the day before the marathon. It would have been excellent, he definitely would have won, he was going excellently in training. I picked up his number at the Expo anyway. Not even Jacob Ingebrigtsen would have been doing races at 20 months.

4. Bland

I think that marathons are a terrible waste of a weekend in Seville. Saturday was an awful day. It was so sunny and beautiful in Seville, perfect weather for a session and a double run with a pile of croissants, coffee and a walking tour in between. Instead I ran 30 minutes with all the other Cork runners and ate mainly rice, bread, hummus and tofu for the rest of the day. A desperate waste of a day.

5. Maurten up your Sleeve

I think that arm warmers are wonderful inventions. I detest how they they make you look like a triathlete who needs to wear as much gear as possible but the usefulness justifies the awfulness. I’ve no interest in having warm arms or looking like an Ironman but crucially for a marathon you can put a maurten gel up each sleeve. You would barley notice the gels presence, even better you can be like a snake once you get to 15k and peel off one sleeve. This does mean running with only one arm warmer on for the next 10k but I don’t think it looks any more ridiculous than running with two.

6. Waiting for Something

I think that the first 20 miles of this marathon were probably the most uneventful miles I have ever run. They were entirely free of hate and anger, I saw no one that I wanted to beat so I had to focus on keeping the watch at about 5:40 which was the pace I decided on because it was what my watch was showing after about 10k of running by feel. I hate this style of running as it goes by so slowly so instead I just followed groups and focused on racing not pacing. It was perfect, idyllic, free from hatred, almost enjoyable, I even passed through halfway under 2:30 pace which would justify all of my nonsense and torment Michael Herlihy.

7. Real Betis Belly

I think that things started to go wrong just after the Real Betis stadium. I was having a lovely time at the back of a group headed by a tall Spaniard in a pair of very yellow Alphaflys. Everything was perfect, perfect legs, cool arms and bouncy magic shoes, then just after we turned right after the Betis stadium my brain started focusing only on my stomach and not on running. It was not good, the only way I could deal with it was by slowing down a bit and massaging my belly. This seemed to work very well and by mile 23 I felt like I could run full gas again so I did although I didn’t actually get any faster.

8. Thin Lizzy

I think that the finish of the Seville marathon is wonderful. It’s like a tribute to all the little tiny races in Spain that I normally do. The last two miles are the only miles where it feels like Seville as it runs through the old city on the pedestrianised streets. It’s a mess of tiles, cobbles and tramlines. I loved it, everyone else seems to hate it. I loved it even more when I turned left onto the finishing straight and saw 2:31 on the clock. They were playing The Boys are Back in Town so I sprinted as hard as I could knowing that anything under 2:32:30 would destroy John O’Connells PB and I’d officially be better than him at every distance. My time however is still not fast enough. I will not rest until I get Michael Herlihy as I know that it would annoy him terribly and that is my main reason for running.

9. Victory over Viv (again)

I think that the best way to beat someone is when the person you beat badly is also happy with their race. It’s a lot easier than having to tiptoe around the beating pretending that you aren’t thrilled about beating them. I didn’t even think about Viv during the race as I didn’t see him after the start. If I’d know how he was tracking me down relentlessly I probably would have been terrified. In the end I only had about 90 seconds on him which was perfect as we were both delighted and I could speak freely about the beating.

10. Better Than Berlin

I think that Seville is probably a far easier marathon to run than Berlin. Seville is unbelievably flat. There are no inclines apart from one underpass which you do twice. The standard also seemed to be higher than Berlin, I spent the whole race with company whether I wanted to or not. The only way it could be better is if it was in December or January and was just that bit colder. Other than that it is by far the best place I’ve run a marathon.

All Ireland Masters XC 2022

10 Things I Think About The All Ireland Masters XC

1. Only Over the Road

I think that it was wonderful to have an All-Ireland event so close to home. I used to cycle through Castlelyons a good bit back in the bad old days when I was miserable on a bicycle so I knew where it was. It was so nice to not have to drive for three hours to get to the race, even people with electric cars wouldn’t have to worry about getting to Castlelyons from Cork. 

2. Masters vs Intermediate

I think that I probably would have been better off in the Intermediate race today. I was eligible for both as I never really ran the Intermediate XC because no one used to run it so we never had a team for it. Based on appearance only I think I would have fitted in better in the Intermediate race as I have all of my hairs in their original colour. M35 is a silly category, 35 isn’t even close to being old.

3. Muckometer

I think that it was great to finally have an actual cross-country race and not a road race on grass. This was a proper course with proper muck and real thick grass that cows would like to eat. I was so happy to see the muck, I have missed the muck greatly. Castlelyons style muck means that even Dragonflys offer no advantage other than making you look like a wannabe Jacob Ingebritsen with too much money and a Nike addiction.

4. Stress

I think that cross country races are very stressful. The most stressful part of any cross-country race is trying to find the numbers. Donie normally has them, so first you have to find Donie. This can be difficult. Thankfully he was wearing a very yellow hat so I found him relatively easily. Once you have the numbers the next thing to worry about is the race starting early so that the organisers can go home, for this reason your warmup should always be in sight of the start especially when the race is in Munster, it’s very stressful. I was glad to start the race.

5. Old Man Start

I think that the start of this race was not as I had expected. Normally old man cross country races go off very slowly and there is a sort of an old man mile while everyone warms up before the race begins. It’s a nice change normally, very agreeable and gentlemanly.  Because there were quite a few non really old men in this race, the race went off like a normal cross-country race. I was a little surprised by this, so I ended up quite a bit back from where I wanted to be which was probably a very good thing.

6. Contact Sport

I think that because of my old man start I had a great opportunity to throw a few digs as I recovered my rightful position. First to get a dig was Viv, he gave me a scowl which made me happy. Then I saw Alan so I gave give him a dig too, he laughed which made me worried. Then I saw Meade, so I gave him a proper shove. Fortuitously just as I pushed off Meade with my right hand there was a left hand turn which I hadn’t been expecting as I was mainly focusing on getting a few digs in, the momentum from the shove was perfect and I glided up the inside of the turn onto the back of the lead group. I don’t know where Meade ended up. 

7. Form is Temporary

I think that you should never mess with someone who used to be good. It is a bad idea, especially when they used to be good only a short time ago and aren’t really finished with being good. About halfway through the second lap, Alan decided to become good again and appeared on my shoulder insulting me calling me all sorts of awful names. I was delighted that it wasn’t Viv or John Meade so I just tried to follow him and returned to my old way of thinking where Alan is respected and just followed.

8. John Joe

I think that John Joe is a great name for a cross country runner at a race in Castlelyons. All I could hear for most of the race was “Go on John Joe”. It was far more reliving to hear than Go on John. 

9. Five More Places

I think that it was very optimistic of Lizzie to think that I could make up five places for the team with about 400m to go. “only five more places”. Perhaps she was trolling me or maybe the lapped runners were confusing her. The five fellas in front had nearly finished at that stage. Impossible instructions are very unhelpful and not motivating.

10. Victory Over Meade

I think that I will never tire of crossing of the line and waiting for John Meade to cross after me. It is fabulous. It would have been better if I wasn’t thrown on the ground in a heap unable to watch but I can imagine how disappointed he looked crossing the line seeing me thrown victorious on the ground. Beating John Meade in a Masters XC that I suspect he had specifically targeted is probably my greatest achievement in the sport. If only all cross country races were in February in a farmers field in Castlelyons.

Dungarvan 10 Mile 2022

10 Things I Think About The Dungarvan 10

1. Hibernia

I think that the Romans must have had Dungarvan in mind when they named Ireland. I think Hibernia means permanent winter in Latin. Dungarvan is permanent winter.

2. 10+10 Miles

I think that I have finally learnt my lesson about 10 mile warm ups before 10 mile races. I admit that it is very tempting, but an upcoming marathon does not justify the misery that is a 10 mile road race after a 10 mile warm up. Because of what I have learned, I limited myself to a two-mile warm up. After a mile of the warm up I met a windswept miserable looking Viv and Sean who were coming to the end of their first 10 miles. They looked utterly miserable so I was very happy with my decision.

3. Wind Delayed

I think that the start of the race was very odd. It was either the 11am start or the threat of the howling cold wind that made the first few 100 meters down to the roundabout very slow. Because everyone seemed to be jogging and the wind was behind us I went to the front and enjoyed leading the race for about 200m, it was lovely until we turned left at the roundabout into a vicious headwind. The second I felt the wind in my hair I knew that my time at the front had come to an end so I tucked in behind the people who should have been leading the race in the hope that the wind would be so ridiculously strong that I could follow behind them like Kipchoge behind a Tesla.

4. The Decision

I think that running in pack is one of the great feelings in running. It is fabulous to run along in a pack of runners that you know are way way better than you. I got to experience this for about 500m while it was decided who was going run into the wind. Once it had been decided I was quickly deposited out the back door with a few other stragglers like John Kinsella and Kevin O’Leary.

5. Go Solo

I think that ending up running solo in a 10 mile road race is a big mistake, you are always better off with company even if you don’t like the company. After being shelled from the pack that I was enjoying I sat in behind Kevin O’Leary, John Kinsella and some fella from Waterford. I was very happy at the back of this group and it would have been much better if we had all stayed together for the wind tunnel miles. Unfortunately, John Kinsella had other ideas and split the group to pieces so I ended up solo just before the point of the race where you didn’t want to be solo.

6. Unphotographable

I think that Formula 1 teams should rent out that stretch of road on the way out of Dungarvan for aerodynamic testing. It has to be the windiest road in the world. I think it is slightly uphill as well to make it worse. God it was miserable. I knew I was getting slower as I started to hear magic shoes behind me. I could picture in my head Viv sitting at the very back of a bunch of perfectly paced runners hiding so well from the wind that he won’t appear in any photographs. This thought made me both angry and worried.

7. Beautiful Wind

I think that the corner after the five-mile mark in this race might be my favourite corner in a road race. It feels so good when you get to that corner and turn sharp left. Then you feel the beautiful cold wind on your back pushing you along like magic shoes on the flat only magnified. Just like the magic shoes, a tail wind benefits some runners more than others, in my case the benefits are compounded.

8. The Eagles

I think that I’d have been better off not knowing that Viv had run 10 miles before the race. Being beaten a man who isn’t taking the race seriously and is only running “marathon pace” is a disgrace. After 7 miles I was left in the company of Viv and Aoife. I desperately wanted to destroy Viv, I was hoping that Aoife would help me but she seemed to be happy just to run with Viv probably because he is a nicer man than me, for this reason I tried a good few times to drop both of them from mile 7 to 8 but it didn’t work so I had to wait for the finish.

9. Don’t get Viv’d

I think that the last 800m of the race were glorious. They changed the finish this year. I think it is better, more dramatic and perfect for destroying Viv. When you turn off the roundabout with the terrible traffic you have to go back up a small little hill. To me this hill was the Alpe D’Huez, Viv was Jan Ulrich and I was Lance Armstrong, I wish I had given him “the look” just before I sprinted away from him. Someone shouted at me as I reached the top that I had sprint to avoid getting chick’d, I didn’t care about getting chick’d I was only worried about getting Viv’d.

10. Gaps Fuel Themselves

I think that the great thing about getting a gap on someone close to the finish is that the gap starts to feed itself. Once I realized that I had dropped Viv I was so delighted with myself that I only got faster all the way to the finish. If it had of been the Tour De France the team manger would have been on the radio yelling at me to take it handy so as not to alert the drug testers. It was a crushing victory. I’m starting to enjoy Dungarvan, beating Viv definitely helps, the wind wasn’t that bad.

Raheny 5 Mile 2022

10 Things I Think About The Raheny 5 Mile

1. This is Going to be Great

I think that the 2020 version of Raheny was so spectacular that everyone turning up to the race today was expecting a huge PB in their well-worn magic shoes. Only the weather could possibly interfere with the inevitable ridiculous times. What could possibly go wrong?

2. The Fear

I think that the thing that I fear most about Raheny is the pace. I spent the whole drive up worried that I wouldn’t be able to run fast at the start because I haven’t done anything fast since Spain. It is kind of odd because the ability to run fast isn’t the limiting factor. It’s the ability to keep running fast, anyone can run fast for a bit.

3. Enjoying the Warm Up

I think that not racing for a month is bad for you. You get way too nervous before the race and start to self sabotage. I did a ridiculous warm up and kind of forgot about the time. I got back to the car with 10 minutes to put on my magic shoes and sprint down to the start. This would be fine in most races but Raheny is not most races.

4. It'll Be Grand

I think that Ireland’s approach to the disease is very strange. It has gone from absolute hysteria and madness to “Sure, It’ll be grand” in the space of a week. A few masks wouldn’t have gone astray in the cattle pen of the start, it will probably be grand.

5. Selfie Crowd

I think that if the people in front of you at the start of a race are taking selfies then you are way way too far back.

6. Slalom

I think that starting so far back was probably the best thing that could have happened as it calmed the first mile down significantly. I spent about 5 seconds getting across the start, then I had to slalom my way through people on their phones drinking water from their hydration packs for about 500m.

7. Blame the Racewalkers

I think that races with cone turnarounds are always problematic. When I was doing my warmup I saw all the marks from the race walking championships a few weeks back up and down the avenue I thought I’d hate to be the poor guy responsible for the cone. When we came out onto the avenue during the race it seemed to take forever to get to the cone. I assumed it was just the terrible headwind.

8. I Can Move When I Want To

I think that my sprinting ability is very underrated. When we exited the park I suddenly felt Bernard on my shoulder. Then Kieran McKeown’s Aidan appeared. When we rounded the corner into the finishing straight one of the Runnerbeans podcast fellas appeared. This made me very angry so I found speed from somewhere and flew up the finishing straight passing a surprised looking Bernard and destroying the Runnerbean. I was delighted with myself.

9. The Russians

I think that because I was so focused on racing Bernard and the Runnerbean I didn’t look at the clock initially. When I did look I didn’t believe it. My first thought was “Have the Russians hacked the carbon plates in the magic shoes and disabled them? It couldn’t be true could it? That time? What if it is? I’ll never be able to trust myself again and will have to spend the entire race looking at my watch every two seconds to make sure I’m running fast enough like John O’Connell used to.

10. Alternative Facts

I think that if you wanted to torment a load of runners then this was possibly the best way that you could have. When I crossed the line, you could tell something was wrong. The grief was palpable. Most people were bent over staring at their watches praying that it would offer an alternative fact. It was almost funny. Having run in so many approximados races in Spain I’m well used to it so I didn’t really mind the alternative distance. It is a race after all, a very very good race, maybe the best race.

San Silvestre Sevilla 2021 5k

10 Things I Think About The San Silvestre Sevilla

1. This Race was brought to you by Magic Shoes

I think that magic shoes have changed racing. The last time I did back to back races it ended in a crippling injury which kept me out for about 2 years. With magic shoes back to back races is no problem, its not even particularly hard. It’s like being 24 again but in a 35-year-old body. When I woke in the morning after the race in Chiclana the night before I felt nothing so as I was on holidays and it was sunny, I decided that I’d do a 7 mile shakeout before the race in the evening.

2. The Park

I think that the Star Wars Park in Seville is my favourite running park. It’s not the biggest and it doesn’t have a long loop but it is definitely the running loop with the most spectacular buildings in the world. The orange dusty hard gravel surface is also my favourite running surface. It’s just a great little park.

3. Joma

I think that Joma must be the most underrated shoe brand in the world. I don’t think I have ever seen anyone wear Joma shoes before. I have Joma shorts and a pink Joma singlet but Joma shoes, that would be crazy. Lining up against a sea of magic shoes in green Joma flats is very brave. I had done a session with the guy in the Joma shoes the last time I was Seville so I knew he was good but I thought that in my magic shoes I had a chance.

4. Dust

I think that my favorite thing about this race is the trail of dust that the car and the runners kick up at the start of this race. It is a great thing to see in December. We don’t have dust in Ireland as dust requires sun. The mad start plus the orange dust with the Plaza De Espana in the background is just excellent.

5. Detonations

I think that this Spanish race was unusual in that there appeared to be very few detonations. My goal for the race was to get as close to and stay as close to the guy in the Joma shoes for as long as possible. I tried to stay at the back of the pack as the pace was very fast and I’m not really able for anything much faster than 4:55 pace.

6. The Magical Gap

I think that running often fools you into thinking that if you could just have not let that gap open you’d have run so much faster. The reason the gap opened is because I wasn’t able to run that fast. It isn’t some sort of conspiracy or some mystery gaps happen because of lack of ability. In this case the gap to the front group happened after about 2k. It was as frustrating as always as the guys in the front group looked like they were having so much fun in their aerodynamic pack while I floundered behind heading up the group of rejects.

7. Kilometer Markers

I think that the kilometer markers for this race were placed entirely at random. I wasn’t looking at my watch but I reckon the 4km marker was at about 2.5k. Perhaps it was a cunning sports psychology experiment into making us think the race was nearly over. It certainly worked.

8. Feels Fast

I think that this is about as fast as I have ever felt in a race. It seems that a combination of perfect weather and a perfect course is better than any perfect training and preparation. I have never felt as good towards the end of the race. I still got passed out by two people in the finishing straight but I still felt like I was moving well.

9. Approximados

I think there is a good to almost certain chance that the 5k was not accurate and was approximados 5k. I got 3.08 miles on my watch which is close enough. But all 5k road races should be taken with a pinch of salt anyway. At least it wasn’t downhill like Newmarket.

10. San Silvestre

I think that doing San Silvestre races in Spain for a week is a great way to end the year. I finally found out where San Silvestre comes from. It is because the 31st of December is Saint Silvestre's day. Saint Silvestre is my favorite saint. He must have really liked running.

San Silvestre Chiclanera 2021

10 Things I Think About the San Silvestre Chiclanera ~5.5k

1. Loading Bay

I think that parking in Spain is the hardest part of driving in Spain. You have two choices, ridiculous underground car parks and on street parking which will result in your car being scratched. As I expected Chiclana was not designed for cars, with about as many parking spaces as American tourists. I eventually found a curiously empty spot so left the car there while I got the dorsal for the race. When I got back to the car there were two lottery stall people giving out to me pointing at the loading bay sign so I had to go and find another spot, thankfully someone pulled out of a lovely spot just in front of a playground for Billy to continue his “El Diablo” terrorizing of Spanish playgrounds. .

2. Imperdibles

I think that the safety pins for this race were the most carefully packed safety pins ever. They were so well packed I didn’t know what they were. The four safety pins were wrapped in a tiny package with the race logo printed on it. It must have taken someone days to do.

3. Meta

I think that the start of the Chiclana race was particularly unsuitable for someone of my size especially when racing Spaniards with a significant size advantage. It started on a steep uphill with a left hand turn at the top. As normal in Spain everyone was wearing masks at the start so for the first 100m you had to sprint uphill with a mask on. This was particularly horrible. I started very badly and had to use a few of the Spaniards as leverage to get going up the hill. I don’t think that they were used to my starting technique.

4. Tranquillo

I think that I was very glad to see that once we got to the top of the hill the guys at the front stalled the pace while they took off their masks. It was still fast but not the complete madness in Malaga. I decided that I wouldn’t make the same mistake as in Malaga so I sat at the back of a big group of about 20, this was a mistake as this was a different style of race.

5. Fermín Cacho

I think that all Spanish runners must train as 1500m runners when they are young. It must be something to do with Fermin Cacho. In nearly every race I have run in Spain the first 1500m of the race is the hardest. They are exceptionally good for that first mile. It is amazing how far back you can be in a Spanish race after a mile and still end up in the top 3.

6. Fortress Chiclana

I think that it helped to be a local in this race. The streets in Chiclana were definitely designed to help defend the city from foreign vandals and vikings. After the initial stall in pace the guys at the front of the pack suddenly took off stretching out the group down the hill through the winding narrow streets. I was stuck at the back and because of all the twists and turns I missed the break.

7. Catch the Locals

I think that Spain is the only place where I catch people on hills. The first lap of the race took us back to the start where we had to run back up the hill again. I was in about 7th place trying to catch the locals that had escaped up the road. The minute we hit the hill four of them came back to me all of a sudden and I swept by them up into 3rd.

8. Random Distance

I think that not having any idea of the course or distance is a great way to get rid of the mental side of running. If you don’t know when the finish is all you can do is run as hard as you can for as long as you can. Chiclana was a 5.5k race which is a great distance free from any PB nonsense. At no point in the race had I any idea how close to the finish we were.

9. Pegasus

I think that I never caught as many people in a race as in Chiclana, once I had dispatched the locals on the uphill there were only two guys ahead. On the second longer lap out by the river I managed to catch one of them and get up to second place. I didn’t think there was anyone behind me because I couldn’t hear the sound of any magic shoes behind me. As we ran back through main street of the town I started to recognize the streets again so realized that we were near the finish. As soon as this thought entered my head a Spaniard in a pair of Pegasus danced out from behind me and outsprinted me for second. Third isn’t too bad I suppose. According to the guy in the Pegasus the guy who won the race is a Spanish champion junior triathlete like Chris Mintern and is unbeatable.

10. Chiclana

I think that the San Silvestre in Chiclana is the best of the San Silvestres in the area, Chipiona is pretty similar but I think I prefer Chiclana. The course in Chiclana is very excellent and the atmosphere was like a mountain stage of the Tour De France. Running through old narrow Spanish streets at 6pm on a warm sunny winters evening is so much fun. Unfortunately, because of the disease there was no podium so I didn’t get my prize for third so I’ll have to come back next year to try and win it, and maybe if I don’t win they can give me my prize from this year.

III San Silvestre Solidaria RCM Malaga 2021

10 Things I Think About The III San Silvestre Solidaria RCM Malaga ~10k 2021

1. A Wedding, a Christmas and a Flight

I think that running a race a few hours after getting off a plane is a bad idea. It is especially a bad idea the day after Christmas. It felt like all of the blood in my body was in my calves when I went to warm up. Flights do bad things to my legs, they swell up, sort of like a bag of crisps if you take it on the plane.

2. El Diablo

I think that Spain has the best playgrounds in the world. There are playgrounds everywhere, on every street corner, on a run you might pass 20 of them. There was an excellent playground beside the building where you collected the dorsals for the race. Billy had great fun chasing two Spanish children around, they called him El Diablo, I hope that If I get good at running they will call me El Diablo too.

3. Masks

I think that the Spanish are excellent at masks, very excellent, probably better than the Germans. You have to wear a mask outside if you aren’t running which is great because everyone feels safe from the runners so you don’t get any abuse or scowling. At the start of a race you have to wear a mask until a few 100m after the start. Taking off your mask while running full tilt and putting it on my upper arm is a skill I didn’t think I’d ever have to develop. If the strap of your mask breaks while doing this you don’t have to worry as at the finish they will give you a new mask. It is great.

4. Light Show

I think that there should be more races at night during the winter. I much prefer running in the evening as I am awake. The race started at 7pm which unlike in Ireland is only 30 minutes after sunset in Spain in December. This is one of the main reasons I like Spain in December, each day is about 2 hours brighter than Ireland.

5. Follow the Motorbike

I think that you don’t need to understand the language to understand what is said at the start of a race. The race director appeared at the start line with a motorbike helmet. I couldn’t understand a word but from his gesticulations I understood that we were to follow the motorbike and not the car.

6. Loco

I think that this might have been the fastest race start I have ever been involved in. It was completely mad. It was supposed to be a 10k but everyone took off like it was a 1500m race. I was about 30th after about a kilometer, when I looked back on Strava it was about 4:30 pace for the first kilometer so god knows what the 30 people ahead of me were doing. It wasn’t like they had any hope of maintaining this pace, it just appears to be the done thing in Spain regardless of ability.

7. Roundabout

I think that I now understand why the roundabout in the Kipchoge 1:59 challenge was cambered. It is very hard to run completely around a roundabout at full tilt wearing magic shoes. The roundabout in Malaga was very small which made it even harder.

8. Who Blows up Least

I think that if I were to run this race again I would run the first kilometer a lot more conservatively and work my way through. It would have been far more fun. Instead I spent the next 8k passing Spaniards that had completely detonated. I had blown up too but not as badly. It was a very strange race. I was lucky it was only 5.8 miles and not the advertised 10k as I was in major trouble by the end.

9. The Disease

I think that the Next% disease is just as bad in Spain now as it is back home. It probably isn’t as contagious as the Irish version as it seems to have only infected the front of the field. Further back it is mainly Asics and Joma shoes. The disease is definitely as virulent in Spain as the times have improved significantly.

10. No Podium

I think it was a shame that the other disease that has impacted running meant that there would be no podium. I finished 3rd in the masculino category which would have normally resulted in a podium trip despite finishing 9th overall. I don’t understand how a podium could be considered a high-risk activity, but I suppose it was a case of give something up to appease the gods.

Newmarket 5k 2021

10 Things I Think About The Newmarket 5k 2021

1. The Forgotten Race

I think that you know you enter too many races online when you start forgetting what you entered. The number for this race arrived in an unmarked envelope. I didn’t know what it was for initially as I was so certain I hadn’t entered this race that I had begun giving out about the race saying, “That’s a ridiculous race”. Then I got the email from the organizers matching the 69 on the number to the race, it would have been a shame to waste the number.

2. Paris Roubaix

I think that maturing your Vaporflys in a cellar for a few years before a big race might be a good idea. The cyclists do this with their tires for Paris Roubaix. My pair were stranded in San Francisco for 18 months so they had plenty of time to mature. They were manufactured around the same time as the pink and yellow vintage Vaporflys which everyone knows are the best vintage. They definitely felt extra bouncy after the 18 months maturing.

3. Jeyes Fluid

I think that I was very right the last time I was in Newmarket for a race. It was just before the world closed down and I predicted that it might be the last race for a while, hopefully it won’t close down again a week later like the last time. There was no jeyes fluid on display this time so I would think a lockdown is unlikely.

4. Don’t forget your Vaporflys if you want to go to work

I think that if you forgot your Vaporflys for this race you’d have been in big trouble. I would estimate that approximately 100% of the runners were wearing Vaporflys. In the battle of the Olympians Eddie Dunbarr had the white and pink Next%2 and Paul O’Donovan had the pink Next%s. They should start giving prizes for the first non-vaporfly runner at this stage, it could become a good category.

5. Kilometre Uno

I think that the first kilometer of this race is the problem I have with this race. The course is very ridiculous. The first kilometer is very downhill and you never have to give back the downhill. If it was the Leaving Cert this would be the accredited grades option of 5ks, you won’t be disappointed with your result. After an initial false start which I had nothing to do with we tore off down the hill at an impossibly fast speed.

6. Breaking 16

I think that the conditions for this race were the type of conditions that Eddie Dunbarr’s Team Ineos scientists would pick for a 5k world record attempt. The temperature was about 10 degrees, there was almost no wind and the sky was lightly blue. It was sort of like the conditions for the breaking 2 in Vienna just in Newmarket and downhill.

7. Cones

I think that every race should have a cone that you turn at. I like cones in races as you get to see who is behind you. When we got to the cone at about 3k I had a look at who was behind. The only one I was worried about was Bernard. I was right.

8. Niall and the Arm warmers

I think that I picked the wrong person to run behind after the cone. When we turned at the cone there was an ever so slight headwind on the way back to Newmarket. It wasn’t noticeable at all if you ran behind someone. I had two choices to run behind, Niall O’Riordan or a guy in arm warmers. The guy with the arm warmers was bigger so I picked him. This was a mistake as Niall dropped him and I had to bridge across to Niall which made me very tired.

9. Tour de Pharmacy

I think that this is a great race if you want to have a race. There were so many good runners in the race that no matter where you were there was someone to race. Once we got back to Newmarket Bernard appeared on my shoulder in his mustard and green Vaporflys. I thought I might be able to beat him but he seemed to have measured the race perfectly and went straight by me and bridged across the gap to Niall that I thought was unbridgeable. By the time I could think of trying to make an effort to catch up we were down the hill and across the line.

10. Ridiculous

I think that running a downhill 5k race like this could result in a tormenting next 12 months until Newmarket is on again next year. Course records are a far better idea than PBs. The Newmarket 5k is ridiculous, ridiculously good, ridiculously fast.

Carrera de Bomberos 10k 2021

10 Things I Think About The Carrera De Bomberos 10k

1. Madrid

I think that Madrid was an odd choice for a race. I don’t really know why we chose Madrid, there were lots of other places to go especially as Cork airport has no flights and we had to go from Dublin. We could have gone to Malaga for the Marathon but that would have been like doing a race in Dublin with a few additional English people in the sun.

2. Inflation

I think that the price increases for races back home are not justified . Races in Spain seem to cost the same as before. This race was €10 to enter. For that you got chip timing, loud music, lots of inflatable gantries, a free t-shirt and a non-approximados 10k course on the smoothest tarmac in the world.

3. Minding Oneself

I think that John Meade and Viv must have been horrified by the thought of being beaten by me in the race. Normally on a holiday I am the healthiest person on the holiday. When compared to John Meade and Viv I am like a pig. The two croissants with peanut butter and jam as a pre-brunch must have horrified them. I knew that if I could stay near them that the thought of being beaten by a croissant eating fatopotamus like me could be enough to make them panic and give up. I was very right.

4. Retiro Garrote

I think that I did an excellent job in psyching out Viv on the morning of race. I took him for a 3 mile warm up before the race around the Retiro, I told him that the Spanish masters scene was very strong and that an M50 had recently run 2:24 for the marathon. He looked very scared. I couldn’t psych out John Meade as he regards my warm ups as too long so he did his own thing which probably involved hand stands.

5. Puerta del Sol

I think that the start of the race was excellently chaotic. The race started at one of the seven branches off the Puerta del Sol square. Unlike Irish races where no one goes near the front for fear that they might be accused of having notions every Spaniard young and old, with and without Vaporflys wants to be at the front so we had to start about three rows back. This makes the first few 100 metres interesting especially when there is lots of street furniture to be dodged.

6. Juan Meade

I think that you can never judge a Spaniards running ability by his looks. One of the Spaniards took off at a ferocious pace and got a big gap on the rest of us. He didn’t look like what you’d imagine a Spanish 10k runner would look like. He was strong and muscly, sort of like a shorter Spanish John Meade. Everyone behind seemed to be of the opinion that he would come back to us. He didn’t.

7. Zapatos Magico

I think that 2019 was the sweet spot for racing in Spain. The magic shoe disease hadn’t spread to Spain at that stage and only Irish people like me knew about it. There were many Next%s in use in the race, the most popular variety seemed to be the designer Gyakusou green and black pair that are so horrible that Nike had to sell them off at half price to get rid of them.

8. Elder Abuse

I think that what the real John Meade did to Viv on the climb up to the Bernabeu was nothing short of abuse. After the first 2k the race settled with a large group headed by the real John Meade chasing the Spanish Juan Meade up ahead. I was at the back of the large group, Viv was sat on John Meade’s shoulder matching him stride for stride with about 6 Spanish runners between Viv and me. On the 4K climb the Irish John Meade kept turning the screw until only Viv was left with him. The Spanish John Meade was still up ahead. I wasn’t able/was too sensible and let them have about a 25 second gap by the time we got to the cone at the top of the course.

9. The Glorious Catch

I think that I was very surprised to catch and pass Viv. Once we turned at the cone the last two miles of the race were back down the hill on the most beautiful smooth tarmac in the world. It was Michael Herlihy tarmac. As I had been sensible on the hill I was able use my magic shoes on the downhill to reel in the majorly struggling Viv. It was extremely pleasant to gradually get closer to him. When I got near him I made sure to absolutely bury him knowing that he would be thinking “that fatopotamus is beating me, this is terrible”. I ran the last mile extremely quickly as I was delighted with myself. I caught no Spaniards. Juan Meade won, beating John Meade into second.

10. Trophy for Everyone

I think that getting a trophy to bring home on the plane is an essential part of any holiday. We collected four trophies in total. Meade got two, an absoluto and a moderately old man trophy. Viv got an intermediate old man trophy and I got a masculino trophy. The podium was excellent in the sunshine and blue skies, I missed racing in Spain so much, it’s good to be back.

Munster Masters XC 2021

10 Things I Think About The Munster Masters XC

1. Operation put Viv back in his box

I think that it is very important to have a goal going into a race. My goal for this race was to put Viv back in his box. After his crushing victory over Alan O’Brien and Mike Morgan in the Killarney Half Marathon he had become intolerable, ne needed to be shown that magic shoe races mean nothing.

2. Two Minutes Hate

I think that listening to Brendan O’Connor on a Sunday is great preparation for running a cross country race. I was glad to hear that the enemy has changed from mouth breathing runners and joggers to South Africans and children. I listened intently and stored up the stress, tension and anger for use during the race. I might be getting addicted to the doom and gloom, I kind of like it.

3. Gorgeous Muck

I think that if you were going to bet on any place having some muck it would be Clarecastle. I imagine that there is muck there even in summer. Beating Viv was entirely dependent on there being at least some muck. It was a great relief to pull into the car park and see lots of muck and puddles, even the sight of muck is enough to slow most people down especially Viv. I was a little worried when I jogged the course as it wasn’t exactly heavy going, just moderately soft.

4. Viv’s Nonsense

I think that the worst part of having to race Viv is listening to the nonsense and excuses before the race. He tries a little bit of everything. Abusive comments on Garmin Connect were followed by complete nonsense about missing the entry and potentially not being able to run. I took no notice, I was surprised he didnt have a niggle. I tried to put him off by telling him about my potential stress fracture niggle.

5. Never ask a Masters Athlete his Age

I think that I owe James McCarthy an apology. I incorrectly assumed that he was an M40. I was so certain that I went up to him and said “you’re an M40 right”. My assumption was based on the fact that I have been running for what seems like 20 years and James was winning races when I started which would have easily made him 40. He’s not M40, he’s M35 like me. I’m not sure if he was insulted or not because East Cork people are like Kerrymen, they give nothing away.

6. Thank You Jonathan

I think that it was great of Jonathan Murphy to do my job for me. I knew that my only hope in this race as with all cross-country races was to get out fast and make the race as hard as possible. I had accepted that Michael Harty and John Kinsella were unbeatable but I knew that they would be cautious. I took off down to the first corner expecting to have to do all the work but Jonathan cut me off and led for the first lap. It was ideal.

7. Making The Calculation

I think that cross country running has a lot of similarities to cycling. In the Tour De France when a cyclist disappears up the road Sean Kelly always talks about making the calculation. I had to make the calculation after the first lap that Harty and Kinsella were going to have to be let go. It felt like I decided to let them go but in reality I think they just got rid of me.

8. One Trick Donkey

I think that I will have to go to the track and develop some speed. Because I can’t move much quicker than 5 minute mile pace no matter what happens I have no other strategy than to grind people off. After two laps I was in third place, I could hear two people breathing behind me. I didn’t think either of them was Viv so I was very happy. I could hear shouts of “Go on James” and I spotted a white Thurles singlet out of the corner of my eye so I kind of knew who I was dealing with.

9. Category > Overall

I think that the M35 category should be null and void if beaten by the M40s. Because I knew that Harty and Kinsella were M40 I knew I only had to beat James McCarthy to win the M35. I knew from the Masters track that the Thurles singlet was M40 so when we went onto the last lap and the Thurles singlet started to pass me out I just followed him because as long as I couldn’t hear James I was safe and would become the great M35 champion of Munster. This is a ridiculous way to race but a medal is a medal.

10. Victory over Viv

I think that I only believed that I was going to beat Viv in the last 200m. You can never be sure that he is gone as he races very cleverly. I only knew for sure that he had been beaten when someone told me I was clear behind. This was great to hear. In the end I beat him very badly by nearly 30 seconds which is ages. Because it was Masters Athletics we both got gold medals which was great. So we both won but I won more. Masters athletics is great.

National Senior XC 2021

10 Things I Think About The National Senior XC

1. Well Done Races

I think that every runner needs a good humbling every now and then. It is too easy to fall into the trap of running “Well Done” races where you beat the local GAA player by 3 minutes and collect €100. The National Senior XC would put you back in your box, fairly lively. This is the opposite of a Well Done Race.

2. Santry

I think that Santry makes Abbotstown feel like running around a cemetery. Santry has so much more atmosphere. The course is nice and narrow. The crowds can move from one side of the course to another so they can see the runners twice or even three times a lap. It feels like there is always someone watching you. It’s fabulous, a great experience, the European XC will be on the wrong course.

3. Nerd Alert

I think that Athletics Ireland will have to start checking shoes on the start line to stop cheating. When we lined up at the start I looked down and saw a fella wearing AlphaFlys, the Kipchoge colourway, the ones that are €10 extra for the Kenyan flag. AlphaFlys have a stack height of 39mm which is 14mm higher than the 25mm stack height limit for XC. I was so angry I was tempted to burst one of the silly air pods with my 12mm spikes, I probably should have because the AlphaFly guy went onto lead the first lap.

4. Conner Mantz

I think that watching the NCAA XC on Saturday almost convinced me to wear Dragonflys for the race. I thought about it for a while and decided that it was not worth dirtying a pair of €150 spikes for the sake of 2 or 3 places and the loss of the moral high ground so I left them at home and accused everyone who turned up wearing them of pseudo cheating.

5. Elbows Out

I think that my favourite thing about the race was the amount of elbows that were being thrown. It was a magnificently physical race. Normally the elbows stop after the first 200m but in this race they went on for a good 2 laps. It was great fun. One fella said sorry about elbowing me which was ridiculous, I was not sorry about anyone I elbowed.

6. Hey Heywood

I think that I didn’t have enough raw speed for this race. I went out as hard as I could to try and get ahead of and torment a few people but I was still the last Leevale guy after a lap. I passed Heywood on the second lap but he quickly easily caught me again, he kindly encouraged me to stay with him as he passed me, I really didn’t want to stay with Heywood, I wanted to stay ahead of Heywood, I wasn’t able to stay with Heywood.

7. Black Hole

I think that because I went out a little too fast for my own ability the second half of this race felt like being sucked into a black hole. I was passed by a lot of people, too many people. I didn’t get lapped so I suppose I didn’t enter the actual black hole.

8. Headache

I think that once you start counting the laps in a cross country race you are in big trouble. I was suffering majorly after the first lap. That first lap was so hard I started to get a headache. Because I’d been listening to Brendan O’Connor on the drive up I diagnosed myself with the disease. I considered dropping out and buying one of those antigen tests but then I remembered that the reason I run is because I like to hurt so I kept going. The headache cured itself.

9. Social Media Medal

I think that there will eventually be a social media medal in these races for the best performance by a runner with a social media presence. It could be competed for by bloggers and podcasters, sort of like the master’s category but for writing and talking nonsense, it would almost be the same category anyway. I absolutely hammered the runner from the Runner Beans podcast so I think I might have won this category.

10. Again Again

I think that I don’t have too many more of these National Senior XC races left so I need to look for reasons to have them repeated. Today was the first time I felt very very old in a race, more of the field was younger than me than older. Hopefully Athletics Ireland do the right thing and invalidate the race due to the AlphaFlys adversely influencing the race, violating World Athletics Shoe rules and we get to do it all again next week. I can do the shoe policing if they need someone, I’d love that.

The North South Masters XC

10 Things I Think About The North South Masters XC

1. Don’t Forget to Bring the Singlet

I think that the most important part of the weekend was to remember to bring the Irish singlet. This was the whole point of the weekend, the green singlet. I really should have done one of those Instagram post with the singlet the night before the race, but I bought it off the internet, so it didn’t seem right.

2. King Billy

I think that it was a great idea to bring Billy to the race in Belfast. A cross country race is a great place for a toddler, toddlers love cross country races. They don’t actually watch the cross-country race but they enjoy the grass and attacking other children.

3. Old Man

I think that old men like me are not able for a long XC season, the tendons in my lower legs are really suffering. Physios on twitter tell you to load your muscles and tendons to cure the niggles while removing stress from your life. I think this is nonsense as my calves are completely overloaded from wearing spikes twice a week and I have a perfect level of stress. Physios need to learn about magic shoes, I plan on curing my niggles by going back racing in magic shoes running in a delusional and pain free state again.

4. Queen’s Farm

I think that the race was excellently organized. The race took place on the Queen’s University playing pitches which is like a hilly UCC Farm. There was one muddy section on the downhill part of the course which is the first mud I’ve seen on a XC course all year. The lap was a proper lap with tight ankle breaking turns and small little steep hills but still plenty of fast sections, it kind of suited me, it was great fun to run and went by too quickly. I wish it had of been 10 or 12k.

5. 1215 or 1230

I think that having any timetable for the race was great after having to guess the start of the Munster Senior. There was a little bit of confusion about the start time as one email said 1230 and on Facebook it said 1215.I went with the Facebook option which turned out to be more accurate. Two timetables is still better than none.

6. Aussie Team?

I think that the start of the race was my favourite part of the race. There were two pens at the start, one for the Irish team and one for the Northern Ireland team. It looked like a battle scene. Apparently according to Instagram at the start I looked like Morgan McDonald who is a tanned hairy Australian runner, I will take this as a compliment and a sign that I should keep the hair and keep using the fake tan.

7. The Old Man Mile

I think that the first lap of the race was very cagey, I suppose it was a master’s race but the start was very slow, it was sort of like the old man mile you have to start doing when you get over 30, I ended up leading, not because I wanted to but because no one else wanted to. I lead for about a kilometre before the Northern Irish lads and Toldo warmed up and tore off into the distance.

8. Keep Her Lit

I think that running in Northern Ireland is great. It is kind of like a race abroad as it sounds completely different during the race. It's not very different but it is different enough to be refreshing. The crowd seemed to be more encouraging than back home, they shout stuff like Keep her Lit that you see on t-shirts in St George’s Market.

9. Motivation

I think that it was very difficult to find a reason in the race. I didn’t really want to badly beat anyone in the race. The Northern Irish M35 lads were in a different league to me so I couldn’t race them and you couldn’t really hate fellas like Niall O’Riordan so I couldn’t motivate myself when he went past me. It was an odd race on that front. In the end I just tried to run as hard as I could which is an acceptable way of racing too.

10. M35<M40

I think that the problem with the M35 category is that it gets harder every year you get older. Then you reach the M40 category and it get inundated by the people who refuse to accept M35 as a category. Next year I would like to run against the English, Welsh and Scots too. I might as well take advantage while everyone else my age is afraid of being called a masters athlete it might be my only chance and its a great day out.

Munster Senior XC 2021

10 Things I Think About The Munster Senior XC 2021

 1. Guessing Game

 I think that the Munster Senior XC is a unique event. It is the only event in the world where you have to guess when your race will start. It’s great fun, more events should do it. Imagine the stress of a big city marathon where it would just start randomly +/- 1 hour. It would make it much more interesting.

 2. The Hour

 I think that I would be much happier if the clocks went back an hour every day. It suits me and it really annoys all the people who think they’re great because they get up early in the morning. I got up at 10 which was actually 11 but it felt like 10. It didn’t matter because I didn’t know what time the race was on at so the clock was irrelevant anyway.

 3. Zero Muck, Zero Time

 I think that the field in Two Mile Borris must be the best-drained field in Tipperary. It rained a lot during the week, so it was looking promising for a morale-sapping, speed-reducing muck fest. I was very worried when I arrived at my best guess of 1:30 pm to see that the ground was barely even soft. I was even more worried by the sight of the women’s race which had already started about an hour before when I had guesstimated.

 4. The Numbers

 I think that I was a little stressed trying to get my number. Normally at a XC race you should have started your warmup before the women’s race starts. I hadn’t even arrived, had no number and no warmup. Then they announced on the PA that the men’s race wouldn’t start until 15 minutes after the women’s race. I didn’t really trust this so I ran around combining my number search and warm up into one event.

 5. Gerry and The Pacemakers

 I think that the man with the mic only had two records with him. It would have been better if the record was Ghost Town, instead we got You’ll Never Walk Alone. Just before the start it was announced that in the tradition of the Munster Senior XC the national anthem would be played. I was hoping for another rendition of YNWA but we actually got the National Anthem which was very disappointing.

 6. Don’t Get Injured

 I think that the most important thing with running is not to get injured. Everything else is not worth worrying about. If you could avoid getting injured for 12 years and just keep running you’d be very good, unbeatable almost. When the race started I ended up racing fellas who reminded me of when I was 23. It’s terrible because they’ll all probably get too motivated, go mad on the mileage, get injured and be like me when they’re 35 back exactly where they started.

 7. Viciousness

 I think that I have a target on my head. Every single person who passed me in the race did so viciously. Barry was particularly vicious when he passed, I wonder is it because of the hair, it must be easy to build up hate for the hair in front of you which results in the vicious passing. Once he passed me and got a gap he slowed down so it must be the hair.

 8. The Poisoned Crow

 I think that I could never be confident of beating Mike in a race no matter how big the gap. As usual, I got a good gap on Mike over the first two laps. Mike races like a crow who has been poisoned, as the race warms up, he heats up and starts to fly. My only hope was that the gap I had cultivated was big enough to withstand the charging Mike. I could see him at the end of every lap when the course turned back on itself. I saw that he was wearing a t-shirt under his singlet which was encouraging as that’s always a sign of not really being too bothered.

 9. Discrimination

 I think that size-based discrimination played a part in my little detour at the finish. I had held my position better than normal only getting passed by two young fellas and Barry. I knew Mark Walsh was on my back as I turned the last bend where the course separated into the finish and the normal lap. I’m presuming due to my bigness and general hairiness it was presumed that I couldn’t possibly be finished so the gap was opened and I was sent off for another lap. I had to duck back under the rope to get back into the finishing straight. In the end, it didn’t really matter, all it did was save me from having to sprint against Mark Walsh which would have been pointless anyway.

 10. Great Run by Me

I think that I will have to do an Instagram post to make sure everyone knows about my great run and a great victory over Mike. Even with the finishing straight discrimination, I beat him badly by 20 seconds which is an awful lot. The size of the gap and the fact that he was wearing a t-shirt under his singlet made me feel sorry for him so I didn’t do any real gloating. I always knew that I would eventually beat him, it is kind of disappointing that like when I finally beat John Meade it was very, very easy.

We won the team, I was sixth man so got no medal. I think I still helped as I had East Cork lads behind me. I’m the tanned hairy man on the right.

Autumn Open XC 2021

10 Things I Think About The Autumn Open XC 2021

1. 35

I think that it is great that they have races for old men like me. It’s like starting running all over again with extra potential for medals in every race. The M35 category is a wonderful category where you get all the benefits of old man running without being or looking like an old man.

2. 15

I think that part of being a masters runner is being clever enough to jump through the hoops required to run in the separate masters trial race. At the number collection there was one desk where you collected your number for the race then another masters table where you were told “€15 cash, no cash - no race, no race - no trial, no bank, no card, €15 cash”. As I am proud to be a master’s runner I sprinted back to the car, rummaged around until I found €15, sprinted back to the desk, put my €15 on the desk, and got the 35 number for my back.

3. Arm Warmers

I think that people are taking running way too seriously. The Kipchoge disease is rampant. 24 week training blocks with no races, A goals, B goals, C goals and arm warmers. It is terrible to see. Unless you’re going to be qualifying for the European XC you might as well race as often as possible and have some fun. After last year I’m never skipping a race again, except the one on Friday which I’m skipping because I can’t face driving to Kilkenny, it was only a C goal anyway and I’m starting a new 2 week block.

4. Ingebritsen Shorts

I think that I need to get a pair of those Ingebritsen shorts. All the young fellas are wearing them. They look desperate but they seem to make you run quicker. I would probably have to start shaving my legs again because the hair would start coming through the shorts like when I was cycling which wouldn’t look good on Instagram.

5. Plague of Dragonflies

I think that there were too many dragonflies on that start line. The course was ridiculously hard, it was like a bumpy track, sort of like the Mardyke track surface after the floods in 2010. I don’t think Dragonflies make as much difference as the magic shoes but XC spikes shouldn’t cost €150. They should be €80 like my Brooks spikes with no fancy bouncy foam.

6. Road Race

I think that this race might as well have been run on the road. The Abbotstown course needs to be muddy otherwise it isn’t XC, it’s just a rolling moderately hilly road race. On the 1.5k lap you are running the same effort all of the lap, it’s like how you’d run a 5 mile road race, just metering out the effort knowing that you’ll never have to change cadence. There are no sharp corners to make you have stop and accelerate and the hills aren’t steep enough to make any difference.

7. Wexford Sand

I think that they should dig back up the sand off the course and take it back to the beach in Wexford that they stole it off. The sand makes no sense. It’s not even sandy sand, it’s hard sand that has mixed with the soil to make a substance like a soft track. If they were going to put sand on the course they should have dumped it all together and made a big sand dune to slow everyone down.

8. Mullingar

I think it was interesting to have the juniors, seniors and masters athletes all in together in the one race. The junior and masters athletes seemed to be the only ones who changed places after the first lap. The junior athletes all went off like lunatics. After about 3.5k they seemed to get tired and fall back through the masters athletes who aren’t as fast but slow down less. I think I only passed junior athletes, I assumed that they were junior athletes because of the shorts, I don’t think anyone passed me except a fella from Mullingar.

9. Magic Numbers

I think it was great to have the age numbers on the back of the other old men that I was racing. I was only interested in the number 35 as they were the only old men that I had to beat. It looked like only a few moderately old men handed over the €15 cash at the desk as I could only see one 35 up ahead of me even if there were lots of people over 35 ahead of me.

10. Irish Team

I think that getting selected for the M35 Irish team would be great even if the race is only against Northern Ireland. I have always said that masters running is great. I have always admired great masters runners like John Meade and Donal Coffey. Now that I am beginning the aging process I see how really great it is to have something new to aim for even if you do have to pay €15 cash to enter the trial. Even if I don’t make the team at least I’m now a fully paid up masters athlete.

Stolen from Lindie Naughton’s Flickr

Cork County Senior Cross Country 2021

10 Things I Think About The Cork County Senior Cross Country 2021

1. The Day is Gone

I think that 3pm is a wonderfully terrible time for a race to start. No one ever runs at 3pm in the day, not even teachers, if you looked on Strava it is probably the least popular time for anyone to run. My body always feels terrible at 3pm. Today was no different, nothing to do with the marathon.

2. Gold Medal Walk

I think that walking around a farmer’s field just outside Macroom with an Olympic gold medalist is not something you expect to do before a cross country race. I spent most of the walk trying to convince Paul O’Donovan that medicine is an awful career and that pharmacy is much better. He hates emails though so he probably wouldn’t like my job.

3. Make a Move

I think that Bernard’s comment about making a move in a cross country race is one of the most ridiculous delusional comments I have ever heard before a race. No one makes a move in a cross country race, it is a gradual process where everyone just gradually slows down, any changes in position are due to reductions in pace, not increases.

4. Hairbands

I think that the highlight of my day came just before the start. I was showing the Olympic gold medalist my hairband that I got from China off Amazon which he was very impressed by. A lovely woman came over to us and said, “would you mind coming over and saying hello to my daughter”. Naturally, I assumed that she was talking to the man with the gold medal, not the similarly hairy but entirely talentless lump. “She’s a big fan of your blog”. So off I went leaving Paul solo and fanless.

5. Durometer Score

I think that the start of this race was too fast. The ground was ridiculously hard for a cross-country race. It was like a hilly track race that suited all the track runners not the traditional cross country lumpers like me. I had 12mm spikes installed and on the section of the course that was like the sweeping turns on a Formula 1 track you could hear the spikes hitting the rocks. It definitely needed more water.

6. The Old White Dragonfly Test

I think that every cross country course should be certified beforehand by getting someone to run flat out wearing a pair of Nike Dragonflys. If they complete a lap of the course without breaking their ankle then the course should be made more twisty, cows walked around the field and water poured onto the course. This should continue until the Dragonflys are impossible to wear.

7. Motivated Meade

I think that John Meade’s performance today was entirely focused on beating me. I felt personally targeted by him. I was very suspicious when he said that he was turning up as he normally comes up with some ridiculous excuse to avoid having to be beaten by me. I was well ahead of him for around a lap which isn’t a lot when there are 7 laps. The second time up the huge hill Meade surged ahead viciously, I passed him again on the flat section before the little steep sweeping hills but he made the killer move by surging even more viciously the third time up the massive hill. After that, I had to watch his white singlet gradually get further and further away.

8. Motivated Mikey

I think that Michael Herlihy’s performance today was entirely focused on beating me. It was exactly the same as the experience with Meade except without the surging on the hills as Mike is the only person worse than me at going uphill. It did take until about 5km into the race for him to catch me which at least probably caused him some mental distress which is at least something.

9. Vocal Togher

I think that Togher gave me too much credit. Once I had been dispatched my Meade and Mike I settled into a group with a few Togher runners, the Togher support on the course was very vocal, the most vocal. Being an ex-Togher member I’m surprised that they thought that I would be any threat at all. “Stick with him, you’ll get him at the finish” was far more complimentary than I deserved. In the end, I didn’t even stick with them long enough to be any threat in the finish and all of the Togher lads beat me badly. It didn’t really matter as there were about a million Leevale athletes in the race so we won the team event.

10. A Little Boy Has Been Found

I think that the guy with the mic must be a Father Ted fan. The “A little boy has been found” followed by “the little boy is crying” and then “we have taken control of the little boy” was almost line by line from the Funland episode. It must be on purpose, there’s no other explanation. It’s a pretty special event, no wonder Paul O’Donovan wanted to run it. It was a great day out, plus it’s not every day you get to beat an Olympic Gold medalist badly.

Berlin Marathon 2021

10 Things I Think About The Berlin Marathon

1. I’m Only Here Because I’ve an Entry

I think that it is an excellent idea to run a marathon a few months after a desperate injury. Four months is the perfect window of opportunity whereby you get to do enough training to get around but not enough training to have to worry about times. Training without time in mind perhaps.

2. Row H

I think that starting in row H would not have been excellent. When they gave me my number there was a small big H on the number. Row H means start at the back. Thankfully there is a queue for people who think they should start at the front. I joined this queue because I am a runner and a runners pride is based entirely on their marathon PB. The lady at the desk wouldn’t accept my 2:36 from Berlin in 2019 because it was too long ago, she said that while my arms looked skinny enough she needed to see proof of training, so I showed her my one marathon paced run of 15 miles on Strava which she agreed was super and worthy of an A sticker being placed over the H.

3. Tofu and Rice

I think that while I wasn’t too worried about the race I was determined to get my stomach right for this marathon so that I could use the protocol in future. The new protocol involved no restaurants, bread and hummus, croissants and a meal of basmati rice and tofu eaten 14 hours before the start with a tower of power 4 hours before. The protocol worked so so well. I had a perfect belly for the entire race and even afterwards, perfect. The maurten gels settled magnificently on top of that mixture.

4. The Silent Walk

I think that the walk to the start of the marathon is very odd, it wasn’t much different to other years except that people were made wear masks. The silence makes no sense as there are thousands of people walking along making almost no noise. Then you get to the startline and the noise of people talking about the times that they’re going to run starts.

5. Start

I think that it is great that the organisers didn’t change anything about the start. Apart from the masks there was no difference to any other year. Well there was one difference, at the start everyone I knew ran away from me very quickly, Viv, Trevor, Conor, Jeremy, John, all gone up the road never to be seen again after only a few metres. I pretended not to care but I kind of did, bad beatings are hard to take.

6. Joe’s Service Course

I think that Joe could start a new company. The company would offer personalised bottle and gel drop off during marathons. If people are willing to pay lots of money to coaches to get them to the marathon then why wouldn’t they pay to have someone give them a bottle and a gel twice during the race. The service was exceptional.

7. GPS and Reality

I think that a lot of people ran virtual marathon PBs today. The Strava police need to be on the watch for anyone claiming a GPS PB, this crime should be reported and should be punished by being made to start in row H in every marathon for every more. The GPS was so inaccurate you might as well have not had a watch. Only the 5k clocks were worth paying attention to. I didn’t really pay much attention to either, I ran along at what felt like about 6 minute pace roughly.

8. Ich Nichten Lichten

I think that I was lucky I hadn’t invested too much in this marathon. After about 20k it started to get really hot and really sunny. It was like the Charleville Half Marathon with all the humidity, less wind, more sun and extra heat. Because I wasn’t really planning on suffering too much and anyone I would have gotten pleasure out of beating was miles up the road, I slowed down a little bit sort of like how I imagine you’d drive an electric car if you were worried about the battery life.

9. Bowerman

I think that the Shalane Flanagan should go back to running properly. She had said before the race that she was going to run all the Major marathons in 3 hours. At about 33k she came past me flying, running like someone who was fed up running with useless articles like me. I jokingly shouted at her « you’re only supposed to be running 3 hours, don’t be taking the piss ». She turned and scowled at me worse than any scowl I received running in 2020.

10. Magic Shoes

I think that magic shoes are great, I have never run a marathon and been pretty much 100% functional afterwards. This was my first marathon in magic shoes and while it was one of my slowest this does not mean I am wrong about magic shoes being the work of the devil. I am even more convinced of their evil. Hopefully I will get the chance to exploit their evil properly next year.

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