Cursa Popular D'Age 2017

10 Things I Think About The 35th Cursa Popular D'Age

1. Recce

I don't think I like doing reconnaissance missions on these road races in foreign countries. It's much better when you haven't a clue what the locals decided would be a good course over a few bottles of wine. The fact that we had to turn back at one section tells you all you need to know about the course. Michael is still convinced he could have gotten the Seat Ibiza up the rocky trail.

2. Le Chat du Font Romeu

I think it was a bad idea to do a five mile trail run the morning of the race. I went over on my ankle for the 42nd time in Font Romeu, my nine lives appear to have run out. My foot is finally sprained. It probably wasn't the best idea to run the race but I have very good drugs. Unfortunately taking them is like turning off the fire alarm when the house is clearly on fire. It's not good when you wake up the following morning.

3. Patisserie Le Joffre

I think a pain au raisin, a chasson aux pommes and three cafe grandes is the perfect breakfast at altitude. It's just a pity that my friend Chloe wasn't there to serve me this morning.

4. Bib Gourmand

I think a three course set menu for €23 at a Michelin Bib Gourmand with Conor and Donal four hours before a race is perfect preparation. Jambon, Bouef and Sorbet. What more could you need. The waiter even complimented me on my belle moustache. I think Mo Farah and Andy Butchart eat there the whole time before races.

5. Altitude

I think it was a good idea to go down from altitude to race. Age is at about 1000m compared to 1800 for Font Romeu. I don't think we would have performed as well up in Font Romeu, it's much harder to run up there. Age is also in Spain which is good.

6. Dorsal Collection

I think chip timing, a t-shirt and a fairly accurate course is a lot to get for €6. The chip timing was via a dorsal which you tied around one leg. I much prefer the chip on your shoe. The dorsal irritated my achilles.

7. British and Irish Lions

I think I really enjoyed representing my country. We had a in-race race between the Irish and British residents of Font Romeu. Instead of a singlet we got green rocky style bandanas. Only John O'Connell wouldn't tie his around his head and wore it on his arm instead. The Cork Athletics Board wouldn't have been happy about that. Country before County and County before Club.

8. Carrera

I think I thought I could beat John Meade today. I tore off at the start like a Kenyan trying to beat Mo Farah. Just like the Kenyans it was pointless. I got to the bit where the road ended on the back of Conor and John but the minute the gravel bit started they tore off. Ah well I was closer than before. Project beat John Meade might take a while.

9. Trail

I think we should have more half trail half road races in Ireland. It makes the race more interesting when you have to slow down for rocks and holes in the road. It also means that finish time is irrelevant, all that matters is where you finish.

10. Podium

I think podiums are fantastic. I didn't get to stand on the podium today but Mike did along with Jonathan and James. It looked like great fun. In the Ireland vs Team JEP battle, Ireland emerged victorious 29 points to 30. I don't think the locals appreciated an entirely foreign top 10. The local hero was well down the field.

Churchtown South 5 Mile 2017

10 Things I Think About The Churchtown South 5 Mile Road Race

1. Squalls of Fun

I think John Walshe forgot to pay the weather man. Normally the weather is perfect for the Ballycotton series. This evening we had squally schizophrenic weather. It didn't know what it was doing. Big black clouds, with howling wind followed by glorious sunshine then freezing cold. It wasn't very nice. It even rained, I haven't seen rain in a long time.

2. Tower of Power

I think I could patent my pre-race tower of power. It's made with bananas, peanut butter and rice cakes. The bananas are the pillars. The rice cakes are the floors and the peanut butter is the cement. The higher the tower the more energy you get. David Cody was very impressed that I could eat such a tall tower.

3. San Pellegrino

I think drinking San Pellegrino sparkling water every day has improved my performance. I saw Macron drinking it in the Netflix documentary. That means it must be good. French people normally don't drink Italian water. It's either that or the extra beer I've been drinking. Alcohol increases haemoglobin according to one study I read, perhaps I'm onto something.

4. Kauto Star

I think Seán Hehir running the Churchtown South 5 Mile Road Race a week before the World Championship is like Kauto Star turning up at the point to point in Kildorrery the week before Cheltenham. Just like Kauto Star he won at a canter. I could still see him after a mile so I suppose that means I'd probably be ok in the Bumper. Ah well every horse has his race.

5. Teachers

I think I'd be a better runner if I was a teacher. Before the race I had to work very hard doing particle size testing all day. I was very tired. Normally I just sit at my desk and write excellent reports. All the teachers were resting all day, they probably didn't get up before 12. This is very unfair. They shouldn't be allowed race in the summer as punishment. It's not fair. They all run fantastically in the summer, it's no coincidence. Teacher doping.

6. Wardrobe Malfunction

I think you should only ever wear sunglasses that you are willing to throw away in a race. This is why I don't wear Oakleys like everyone else. My ones cost €10, if it rains or you take a dislike to them midrace you can throw them away. Thankfully Mark Walsh was on hand to collect mine when it started raining before the start. You kind of need to be able to see when running on such a pothole riddled course. They had marked the potholes but this was like pointing out the acne on a teenager, it only made things worse.

7. Coffey vs Coakley IV

I think I really enjoy beating Donal Coffey in road races. I handed him an unmerciful beating again just like Millstreet. Revenge for last week when I was fat after holidays. I think the key is to get to the first mile marker ahead of him. He knows he's beaten then and gives up. I had to correct the commentators at the finish line though. They thought that I was Coffey. "Coakley not Coffey" I shouted. They were happy to make the correction. This made me happy.

8. Just for Men

I think Bryan Crowley has stepped up to the mark with his new haircut. I mean I veet my legs and get €55 haircuts in Berlin but Bryan's new haircut definitely cost more. Respect. Perhaps I'll have to get a similar job done. I wonder what colour I'll get. I like blonde. It might help my running. Blondes are normally faster. It would match my singlet too.

9. Rollercoaster Rainbow

I think that rollercoaster section between miles 1 and 2 is my favourite part of any road race in Cork. It suits me perfectly, a nice rolling road with the wind behind you. My big frame acts like a sail with the wind. We even had a rainbow to chase this evening. I like rainbows, they're pretty. It's a pity Gearóid Ó Laoi wasn't there to take a photo. I took a mental photo instead.

10. Lasagne

I think it was very kind of Donal Coffey to donate his prize to me as a house warming gift. I really needed that lasagne dish, set of drill bits and a fire blanket. I can't wait to use all three. I don't think he'd have donated it if it was cash.

Carrigtwohill 5k 2017

10 Things I Think About the Carrigtwohill 5k

1. Gaunt

I think I got too fat on holidays. This is not good for running. It was only four days but a lot of damage can be done in four days, especially as my mother was trying to degauntify me, "You're gone terrible gaunt". I was very worried before the race as the scales was telling me that I would be very slow. I didn't see a weight on the scales just "slow". I prefer to be terrible gaunt.

2. Coffee and Water

I think I will have to exist on coffee and water to get rid of the additional ballast that I have added to my naturally huge frame. If only I was a formula 1 car where you could move the ballast around to improve the performance of the car. My ballast definitely doesn't help, well maybe on the downhill sections. I'm sure the Internet will have some other mad diet that I can use. The internet is always a good source for such things. What could possibly go wrong? I can always write a book about how to get gaunt quickly. Gaunt in 15 or something similar. People would buy that I'm sure.

3. Castle

I think Barryscourt Castle is the prettiest building in Carrigtwohill. This isn't very hard. The second prettiest is probably Frank's Takeaway. San Sebastián it ain't.

4. Warm Up

I think Donal Coffey learned from Millstreet. He completely out psyched me on the warm up. I think he spotted that I wasn't as gaunt. Ah well form is temporary, class is permanent.

5. Magic Mile

I think the first mile of a 5k is the most important. You have to go out as fast as possible, none of this scientific even paced nonsense. I tried to get to the first mile marker ahead of Donal, I failed miserably. The East Cork Mafia of James McCarthy and Kevin O Leary were well up the road. There's something in the water in East Cork. They're very good at running down that direction.

6. Miserable Mile

I think the second mile of a 5k is the most important. If you don't feel absolutely miserable then you aren't going fast enough. You should have your hand in the fire not just over it. I felt particularly awful which was good. I still didn't feel awful enough. I kind of lost concentration for a few seconds which allowed Kevin and Donal get a gap. I hung on to Nigel Sheehan instead. I don't think he appreciated this.

7. Sharapova

I think I nearly drove Nigel and Bryan Crowley mad with my Maria Sharapova like grunting. I don't know why my breathing was so loud. I took my doping before the race. Perhaps I should have taken more. I might have to get one of those nose turbine things that Chris Froome uses, they seem to work and they look class.

8. Course

I think the little hills on that course are evil. There is one particularly malevolent hill that you have to do twice. It's not particularly long but it stings. It stings worse the second time, especially when there are lapped runners distracting you from how much you should be suffering.

9. Revenge

I think I took my defeat to Donal Coffey very well. I have good excuses so I'm not too worried. I shall get my revenge in Churchtown South. I will be gaunt again by then.

10. Old Man Ian

I think it's unfair that Ian O'Leary gets a prize for being very old while I get no prize even though I beat him very well. This is very unfair. I suppose it is compensation for being very old. I can't wait to get old so that I can collect lots of money at road races. I just wish that I could run Ian's 10k and 10 mile times before I get old.

Donostia-San Sebastian

10 Things I Think About Donostia-San Sebastián

1. Smashing Pumpkins, Smiling Politely

I think the Basques and the Irish have a lot in common. We were served by a red haired trail running waiter in Tedone on the last night. I explained that we were "Irish not English" he replied "Basque not Spanish". They understand.

2. The Curious Incident of the Scratch on the Rental Car

I think I might take the car rental excess insurance that they try and flog you in future. I got a lovely car for the few days. Unfortunately I didn't return it as lovely. I still don't know where the scratch came from. I don't think I hit anything as I'm not Spanish. I strongly suspect one of the locals in the underground car park, it was very dark in there. Hopefully that other Car Hire Excess Insurance I bought online for the year will work. You'd think it would with a name like that.

3. Coldplay

I think AirBnB is keeping IKEA in business. The AirBnB in Donostia was straight from an IKEA showroom. It was all yellow. I liked it. Yellow is a happy colour.

4. Beer

I think the beer in Donostia is strong. I don't think they do anything less than six percent. I like Keler, it's very nice. They sponsor the running races too which is good. They also had Pinkus beer from Munster in Germany in the health food shops because its organic. German beer is still better, just make sure it's in a bottle in Spain.

5. Running

I think Donostia isn't the best town in the world for running. The footpaths and promenades are covered in those tiles that look lovely but make your bones hurt when you run on them. The cycle paths are covered in cyclists who gesticulate wildly at you even though you're running faster than them. The tourist board did have 10 mile routes mapped out which was handy, none of this 3 mile run nonsense.

6. Cider

I think the cider in Donostia is awful. Oliver the city walk guide recommended that we try some. It's terrible, horribly bitter and very yellow. The waiters only get about 45% of it in the glass when pouring it, it's no harm, the floor is the best place for it. Clonmel is better.

7. Trump

I didn't think I'd ever meet an American who was pro Trump. They do exist though and they have relatives from Roscommon. "Hilary is a terribly corrupt woman". It was nice to see that Fox News isn't fiction.

8. Gastronomy

I think the gastronomy in Donostia is over rated, Seville and Malaga are far better. The restaurants were more expensive and the food wasn't as good. I spent a lot of time tormenting my sister wandering the streets consulting TripAdvisor to no great success. She was tormented though so I suppose I had some success. Ikaitz was great but everywhere else was average. Pintxos are the Spanish equivalent of pies, a way of hiding yesterday's uneaten food. The ham was still good.

9. Hills

I think the parks in Donostia are the hilliest parks in the world. They make Doneraile look flat. One of the runs had a thousand feet of climbing in six miles. Good practice for the mountain running I suppose. No wonder they're fantastic at it.

10. Lunatic Soup

I think the wine in Donostia makes Irish people talk to each other. An Irish guy wandered over to our table one night. We asked him if he was enjoying the wine. "Sure why do you think I'm talking to people at other tables." It's very good wine.

Aztiriko Mendi Lasterketa Trail Race 2017

10 Things I Think About the Aztiriko Mendi Lasterketa Trail Race

1. Facebook

I think Facebook has made finding races on holidays so easy, all you need is a date, some idea of the location and the willingness to send random messages to people you don't know with the hope that they'll reply. If they reply you're sorted. It's great really. If only it was this easy for everything else.

2. 93 puntos Guia Penin 2017

I think that drinking wine the night before a race is very bad. I normally don't drink wine as in Ireland it's too dear and tastes of metal. In Spain it's different. We went to a restaurant called Ikatiz last night where the waitress recommended a Tempranillo, apparently it got 93 points in the Guia Penin 2017 which is extraordinary. It was very nice and very cheap. I think I'll drink more wine. I don't think it will affect my running.

3. Euskara

I think the google maps lady can't speak euskara. She was pronouncing all those places from Donostia to Aztiria with Xs and Zs all wrong. I'm pretty much fluent in euskara after learning it from Oliver on the walking tour yesterday. I have been tormenting every shopkeeper with "kaixo" and "eskerrik asko" ever since. It's a great language, it feels natural to me. Perhaps I'm actually Basque. Tiocfaidh ár lá and all that.

4. Parking

I think we upset the Basque man with our first attempt at parking. I just drove right up to the start. When he saw us he directed us towards a barricade. I didn't think that was a good idea having already scratched the rental car so I didn't move. Then he walked up to the window and started speaking Spanish to me, I only understand euskara so I didn't understand. I think he wanted us to go away. Eventually a nice lady showed up and got one of the locals to move his van so we could park. They are very nice people in Aztiria.

5. Favourite

I think the locals thought I was actually good at trail running. I did my warm up with two local guys who I impressed with my euskara, "nire izena Donal da, I'm not from England, Irlandakoa naiz". It's very important not to be English in Spain. They said that I was the favourite for the race. It must have been because of my haircut. I wasn't very confident.

6. I'm from Navarre

I think they secretly knew I wasn't a trail runner. I treated the start like I do any other race and just tore off like it was a 5k, this was fine as the first 200m were flat on a gravel road. After 200m a guy came up beside me kind of half laughing at me and asked where I was from, I said Cork, he understood, I asked where he was from he said Navarre, then the downhills started. That was the end of my leading as the Basques proceeded to fearlessly fall downhill with reckless abandon. I was terrified.

7. Donal Coffey

I think Donal Coffey would have beaten me today. He does IMRA races the whole time. I felt pathetic on some of the technical downhill sections, with auld Basques flying by me left and right. I was much better on the uphill and road sections, but these didn't make up for my walking down the hills like an old man with a dodgy ankle.

8. ánimo

I think ánimo is my new favourite word. I love the way crowds cheer for you in foreign countries. You'd get tired of "well done boi" or "go on lad" back home. The "allez allez" in France is fantastic as is the "venga, venga" in Spain. The crowd today had a new one "ánimo, ánimo". I think it means keep going or animate yourself. It sounds particularly good in a female voice.

9. Kilian Jornet

I think I'm not made for trail running. I ended up finishing about 10th from the 58 starters. This was the biggest number ever for the race, I probably helped. I asked the guy from Navarre how he got on, he won, this didn't surprise me. He said the course wasn't that technical, this amazed me. I'd hate to see a technical course. Then we talked about Kilian Jornet and agreed that he's mad and brilliant.

10. Best Spread Ever

I think the spread after the race was the best ever. They had beautiful fresh bread, gorgeous jamon iberico, olives, water, cider and wine. No rubbish. I don't think this would work in Ireland, people would complain.

Eskerrik asko Miren and Ioritz. What a great race.

Latsagien Itzulia 2017

10 Things I Think About the Latsagien Itzulia

1. Basque Carrigtwohill

I think Ustaritz is very like Carrigtwohill, the only reason you'd live there is because it's cheaper than living in Biarritz/Cork. It has lots of derelict apartments and a colossal old church. I didn't see any pharmaceutical companies so maybe it's different.

2. Dopage

I think that it's terrible that doping is illegal in France. For this reason I didn't bring my Ventolin with me as I was afraid of being arrested. I think this cost me some time in the race. Fail to prepare, prepare to fail.

3. Tolls

I think I'd be broke and eternally late if I lived in the Basque Country. They have tolls on the roads every 20km, they're as frequent as the food stops on the Ring of Kerry. The ones in Spain are manned by Spanish people which means there are long queues. In France, they are unmanned which means there are long queues because of English people who have no euros.

4. Hop Time

I think that John O'Connell would have approved of how early we arrived at the race. I don't think I've ever turned up 3 hours before the start of a race. I had to allow time for potential Spaining in France as the French have wierd laws about athletic events. You have to be certified by a doctor to run a small road race. They were happy with my Athletics Ireland card and the fact that I wasn't English, so I was allowed run. We used the spare time to visit the colossal church and watch a wierd combination of hurling, handball and quidditch.

5. Warm Up

I think that I was too confident after my warm up. I was convinced that I was going to win. There was nobody warming up. This normally means you are the only serious runner and are going to win. Then I got to the start and guys with legs far more shaved and tanned than me turned up. There was even a guy taller than me. This was scary.

6. Start

I don't think I've ever seen such a casual start. Thank god Clotilde taught me French so I could understand the start procedure. There was no line, just a casual countdown in French. There was lots of jumping the gun. No one cared.

7. Macron

I think Macron is right, French labour laws need reform. The start of the race was unlike anything I've ever seen. I tore off as I normally do. One guy came up beside me after a kilometre but didn't pass, then a whole group of Basques crowded around me. No one wanted to do any work. Eventually three tall tanned shaven legged guys appeared and formed some sort of trade union and agreed to work together. I was left in fourth with another bunch of Basques. I don't like trade unions.

8. The Mur

I don't think I've ever run up such a steep hill in a race. I hadn't really checked out the course before the race as I prefer not to known what's happening and I didn't understand Basque. The route itself was 50% trail, this wasn't advertised. After about 6km there was a wall of a climb, they seem to like throwing these into races abroad, I like it too. It wouldn't work in Ireland, people would complain. The hill was very hard.

9. A Gauche

I think I lost fourth place because of going the wrong way. Once we crested the top of the Mur we came to a junction. I went a droite, the Basques went a gauche. I quickly realised my mistake and turned around but I lost a few seconds, this was crucial as once I was away from the group of Basques a trade union was quickly formed and they suddenly started working together. I had no hope, perhaps trade unions are a good idea.

10. The Spread

I think the concept of an approximados race has spread to the Basque Country. The race was advertised as an 11km race, it was 10.3km last year over the same route. I think it was somewhere in the middle. I don't think it mattered. They had a lovely outdoor spread afterwards, apricots, prunes and fruit cake. I'm sure that there will be no complaints on the Basque version of the Cork Running blog. No one did a warm down except me. Macron will fix this.

Corkbeg 4 Mile 2017

10 Things I Think About The Corkbeg 4 Mile Road Race

1. Cricket

I think the madness is strong with me. I really shouldn't have run tonight but I just couldn't resist.  My impromptu cricket debut on Sunday night resulted in a slight ankle sprain. It's not bad but racing probably wasn't the most intelligent idea. I'll survive. I regret nothing. I'm not very good at cricket. 

2. Rice Cakes

I think that moving to Glanmire has increased my rice cake consumption dramatically. They really are the perfect pre race meal. They have no taste, you can eat lots of them and they don't leave any residue. A whole packet was probably too much this evening. The problem with living on your own is that you've no one to tell you that what you're eating is actually crazy. It's dangerous. I'll just start posting all my food on Instagram again, that way I'll know myself that it's mad. 

3. Cork City FC

I think I should have stayed on the Cork City bandwagon. I had a ticket for the match tonight but passed on it. This wasn't a good decision. I now have a cankle as a result. I'll get back on the bandwagon on Sunday. At least they won anyway. 

4. Warm Up

I think Anthony Mannix must have been fit to kill me after listening to 21 minutes of me whining about my ankle before the race. I think it worked though as all my whinging seemed to fix my ankle, it was perfect come the start of the race. Talking about your worries and problems works. I don't know how Anthony was feeling, I'm a talker not a listener.  

5. The Course

I don't think I'm ever going to run a fair course again. It's great fun running much faster than you are actually able to. People think you're great. The Corkbeg route is pretty fast, the first mile is up a hill but it's downhill from there. It does have a hairpin turn which is pretty unique, it's sort of like a cross country course on the road. Plus they've a BBQ afterwards.

6. Seanie's on Fire, Your Defence is Terrified

I think that you could have made a planet earth documentary about Sean McGraths execution of myself and Anthony tonight. We were all together after 1 mile, I was thinking this is great, I'm now able to run with Sean. Then the attacks began, I was first to be dispatched. I loved the way he deliberately picked up the pace enough to get rid of me but not Anthony. Then like a lion playing with an antelope he dispatched Anthony and disappeared off up the road. Great to watch, nice to know I'm still useless.

7. Don't Look Back in Anger

I think that the most horrible feeling in the world is the feeling of being chased. Once my dreams of winning had been shattered by Sean and Anthony I had to concentrate on protecting my podium position. I never looked back but I knew that Nigel was just behind me all the way. I could hear the footsteps all race. Thankfully it wasn't Ian O'Leary. Somehow I managed to keep the footsteps behind me until the finish. Perhaps I'm getting better.

8. You've Gotta Let the Big Dog Eat

I think that the dog at the finish line really wanted to eat me. Once I crossed the line I had to lie down on the ground because I was tired and it looks good to lie on the ground after a race. There was a big dog beside me who was very interested in me. I told the owner that the dog would be better off eating one of the slower runners. I felt bad about this but I don't think anyone heard me. 

9. Sunglasses

I think John Collins is right about sunglasses. I asked him if they wore them back when runners were actually good in Ireland. He said sunglasses were for girls. He's probably right.

10. Kettle

I don't think I've ever had such a bad case of prize envy. Sean McGrath got a lovely cordless vacuum cleaner for first place, a sort of cheap dyson knock off, but you know it would do the job. I'd only searched for a similar one on Amazon today. I had to settle for a Daewoo kettle. It came with the €18 price tag still on it. I asked Sean if he'd swap the hoover for the kettle but he didn't even dignify my question with a response. I already have a kettle. No man needs two kettles.

Willie Neenan 5 Mile 2017

10 Things I Think About The Willie Neenan 5 Mile 

1. Google Maps Lady

I think the road to Millstreet is one of the most beautiful dangerous roads in the world. The google maps lady has guided me safely in many countries but she seemed to be completely oblivious to many of the blind junctions on the L2751. She was silent from Rylane to Millstreet, that's very unlike her, she must have been scared. I was too.

2. 2am

I think working until 2am the night before a race is great preparation, especially when you get to sleep in until 1030am the next day. I was very fresh for the race. I had no breakfast just lunch.

3. Hop/Dinny

I think that I would have beaten John O'Connell tonight even if he hadn't withdrawn through crippling injury. I knew he was in trouble on Monday when he waited for me at the farm, this has never happened before. That's a sure fire sign of injury when you can't run solo. The "I'm doing a 10 minute tempo" while looking like Dinny from Glenroe didn't bode well on Tuesday. I knew he was finished after that. Poor Hop, he'll be back, I look forward to beating him again just like Donal Coffey.

4. Start Line

I think the sunglasses matching your singlet craze is catching on. Paul Moloney had a lovely pair of red Oakleys to match the red Mallow AC singlet. Carol Finn said that my sunglasses looked nice. This was important, before I thought I looked fantastic, now I knew I looked fantastic.

5. You Miss 100% of the Shots You Don't Take

I think Logan's piece of American wisdom is perfect. It can be applied to everything life throws at you. Just get a shot off. Today I applied it to the first mile. 5:03, it was a bit downhill I suppose. Still I don't think I missed this time.

6. The Pack

I think I belong in the pack at the front of the race. I felt at home clipping along with Conor, Eoin and Paul. Unfortunately I was evicted from my home as we passed over the railway line after about 2 miles as I could no longer pay my rent. I think the train was also responsible for the 815pm start. All the Kerrymen going home for Sunday.

7. Sorry

I think I owe Donal Coffey a public apology. My celebration after the race was completely inappropriate. My man hug was completely uncalled for, especially in Millstreet. There is absolutely no need to dance around like a boasting clown when you trash someone in their home town race. Having said that I really enjoy winning. Conor won the real race, to me this was irrelevant.

8. The Strawberry

I think that Wexford have implemented a state sponsored doping program. It's clear from the last few weeks that County Plan 1996 has been implemented. Those strawberry huts on the roadside are probably secret drug mules for the ex-pats in foreign counties, ingenious really. I didn't think it was possible to PB in virtually every race but Conor does. I suppose he is very good at minding himself. I'm jealous. I mind myself too but it doesn't work.

9. Tax Man

I think that I don't need to inform the tax man of the contents of the brown envelope that I received for 4th place. God it's a nice feeling to get money in a brown envelope. I think I'll apply for a job in FIFA or the IAAF.

10. Cullen

I think that the Spanish ham in Cullen is as good as any in Spain, what more could you ask for after a race than a few cerveza sin alcohol and some jamon Iberico. It was nice to bring the Willie Neenan trophy back to its true home, good practice for next year when Hop is back in full flow.

Shanagarry 5 Mile 2017

10 Things I Think About The Shanagarry 5 Mile Road Race

1. Club Shades

I think that club sunglasses are a money making opportunity. Last night I wore yellow framed sunglasses I bought in Ale-Hop in Malaga for €10. They matched my Leevale singlet perfectly or so Donal Coffey tells me.

2. Mileage Matters

I think it's a sign of madness when you worry that your 2 mile warm up is going to affect your weekly mileage because you normally run 10 miles a day and 2+5+2.5=9.5. I did 3 for the warm down just in case Strava wasn't happy. I like smooth graphs.

3. Marathon

I think that a positive effect of the marathon is that I'm not scared of blowing up in a race. If I finished a marathon I can surely hang on for 30 minutes flat out no matter what the pace. The marathon is also an excellent excuse for everything. "Ah sure you're only after a marathon." "You can't be recovered"

4. Start

I think that the starts of Ballycotton races are perfect, no nonsense music or random speeches by the local bishop, just a gun and some paint on the road.

5. Aerodynamics

I think the Leevale singlet needs a mid season aerodynamic upgrade package. It's very flappy. It catches the wind, I blame it for at least 5 seconds. That and the big huge A4 number. There would be no sub two hour marathon run in a Leevale singlet with a Ballycotton number no matter how many Teslas you had in front of you.

6. Fight Night

I don't think I've ever had a mid race fight before. I had a minor disagreement with Kieran Mckeown. He had come down with a serious case of ancraophobia. I've never seen someone with such a bad case. He was so scared of it, he had to hide behind someone all the way, I seemed to be the preferred object to hide behind as I'm huge. I suppose the wind is kind of scary and I do provide excellent protection. I'm definitely not an ancraophobe.

7. The Diamond League

I think it's a bit ridiculous to be racing, surging and wheel sucking when you're running along in 5th to 10th place miles behind the leaders in a small road race in East Cork. The Diamond League it ain't. It is fun to pretend I suppose. I did lose the battle and end up 10th so I probably need to get clever at racing and not just tow everyone around sheltering behind me like a big wind breaking fool.

8. Insanity

I think road racing is a form of insanity. I've been running the Shanagarry 5M since 2009 and my times have been 28:30 +\- 30 seconds. That's a lot of training and mileage for the same statistical result. Statistically speaking there is no significant difference between 2009 and 2017. Ah well I suppose it's fun. Insanity generally is.

9. Ooooh Look at Him

I think I impressed the local kids with my shades. All I heard coming back into Shanagarry was "Ooooh, look at him" and "buzzzzz", I don't know if this was horror or admiration but I presume it was the lovely yellow sunglasses which were matching my singlet.

10. The Choke Tackle

I think my version of the choke tackle on Kieran McKeown immediately after the race was a bad idea. I was only messing. I hope it wasn't taken too seriously. It's only a race after all, a bit of stress relief. There are far far more important things.

Grant Thornton 5k 2017

10 Things I Think About The Grant Thornton 5k

1. Lance Armstrong

I think I Alfie was right to accuse me of doping immediately after the race. Last Wednesday I ran a 5k in 25 minutes, tonight I ran just under 17 minutes. If I was a cyclist in the Tour de France they'd all be asking "What is he on?" What am I on? I'm on two puffs of ventolin before every race, it does the trick, that and few iron tablets, some vitamin D and a probiotic.

2. Big Shots

I don't think I've ever been referred to as a "big shot" before. Feidhlim Kelly announced my arrival to the start line like I was Mo Farah turning up to his local 5k. I suppose I did look fantastic. I waved as you do. Referring to me as a big shot is like calling the captain of the local Junior B football team a big shot, it was a confidence boost all the same. I suppose I am kind of a big shot.

3. Ingebrigtsen

I think that rule number one of all sports is that the most important thing is to look fantastic at all times. I think I accomplished this tonight.

4. Hawkers

I think that the reason I looked fantastic was because I purchased a pair of excellent white sunglasses in Malaga for €25. They're particularly fantastic. The white and blue is excellent. They suit the shape of my face very well.

5. Start

I don't think I've ever performed a Mexican wave one minute before the start. It did get the adrenaline going I suppose. I thought that as I was the local big shot I'd walk away with it. This thought didn't last long as two East Cork bigger shots took off up the road. Ah well, the junior B captain probably experiences the same thing when he tries to play intermediate football.

6. Drafting

I think the winner may have been helped by the motorbike that pretty much towed him around the course. Think Nibali in the Vuelta last year. Motordoping isn't just confined to cycling you know.

7. Style over Function

I think wearing sunglasses on a dreary night in Cork is not the best idea. Thankfully they filled in all the potholes down the Marina as I couldn't see much. I refused to remove the shades. Looking fantastic is much more important than a broken ankle.

8. Finish

I think that a 5k is so much better than a marathon. It's over so quickly. I barely even noticed it. I must do more. They're excellent.

9. Campione

I think that winning the team prize for the Gilead Gringos is great. We won by 15 seconds. Four people on the team, the team aspect of the event is brilliant. It's all about the fourth man. We got a lovely bowl. I wore my Berlin hat and Iceland jersey when I was collecting the bowl. I looked excellent again.

10. Debadification

I think that I have completed the debadification process quite well. One week is loads after a marathon. I'm fine.

The Week After The Cork City Marathon

10 Things I Think About the week after the Cork City Marathon

1. Debadification

I think running a marathon gives you very bad legs. On Monday I had Superbad legs, by Tuesday they were Too bad, by Wednesday they were less bad which tempted me back to running. This was not a good idea, I think I'd just gotten used to the presence of badness. The debadification has continued all week. I imagine it will take at least a week to eliminate all the badness.

2. Sleep

I think it's a very bad idea to stay up until 4am the night of the marathon. This may have contributed to the badness.

3. Theresa May

I think that running a marathon turns you into Theresa May. I had absolutely no interest in debating anything with anyone all week. I was a very grey creature with little or no energy and an illogical fear of stairs. I definitely wouldn't have done well in an election.

4. Peasant Wagons

I think peasant wagons are an excellent idea. It is however a very bad idea to try and run to catch a peasant wagon when you've just run a marathon. I blame my current calf niggle on this.

5. Next One?

I think I'm the only person who doesn't get annoyed when asked an hour after finishing the marathon, "when's your next one?" Seems like a perfectly logical question to ask someone who's having severe difficulty getting into and out of a chair.

6. Olivier Giroud

As part of the debadification process I jogged around the Belle of Ballincollig 5k wearing a pair of classy white sunglasses. I got asked by one of the local kids if I was Olivier Giroud. I took this as a compliment, I suppose I was moving very slowly with no chance of scoring but still looked absolutely fantastic.

7. Reverse Dieting

I think the concept of a reverse diet is a wonderful idea after a marathon. It involves deliberately eating more than you need to speed up recovery. Sports science can be used to justify anything.

8. Particle Size

I think I need to be lighter to run a fast marathon. The marathon is the best particle size analyser. It just filters out by size. I'm currently a big particle. I need to be a less big particle. Reverse dieting won't help this.

9. Lessons Learned

Like any good project manager I conducted an extensive lessons learned after the marathon. There were post its everywhere. I think I learned one main lesson. I think I need to run more marathon pace runs. I thought I learned this in Berlin last year butI think I forgot. Come to think of it this happens with most lessons learned.

10. Irish National Championships

I think it was a great idea to buy an entry to the Berlin marathon the morning after Cork. Berlin is not Cork. It will be good to run the national championships again.

Cork City Marathon 2017

10 Things I Think About The Cork City Marathon 

1. That Sounds like a Good Time

I think my mother's reaction to my time in the marathon sums it up best. "Well how'd the race go?" "2:49" "That sounds like a good time." It probably is.

2. Warm Up

I think a home marathon is less hassle but not as exciting as a marathon abroad. I got a nice 10 minute warm up in around the silent streets of Cork. I even had time for a flying trip to The Flying Enterprise, this was essential, as any landlord will know, an empty house is better than a bad lodger.

3. Trust him he's a Doctor

I think doctors make great pacers. I had the pleasure of running the first 12 miles with Ronan Boland. He was metronomic. In fact the marathon was going fine until he stopped.

4. Thomas The Tank Engine

I think I need to work on my mental resilience. I'm a very irritable person. On the old railway I let a group get a 20m gap as I just couldn't face 13 miles listening to that noise. Perhaps a new marginal gain for running could be ear plugs in your pocket.

5. John's Mouldy Warm Water

I think I'm too much of a water snob. I'm partial to a bit of aqua con gas, particularly San Pelegrino. John was kind enough to meet me with water every 5 miles. I don't know where he filled the bottle though as it was as mouldy as a pint of Paulaner in Spain. 

6. Swamp

Cork and Berlin both mean swamp (I learned this interesting fact on a city walk in Berlin) but that's where the similarities end. Cork is twisty and turny with these little drags that chip away at your legs. Cork is not a nice swamp.

7. Smiling or Grimacing

You'd think that the last mile of a marathon would be ok. I had great notions of covering the last mile in six minutes but I was tres bien cuit by 25 miles. I'd nothing left, majorly suffering. All I could do was smile and grimace down North Main Street like a fool after too many pints. 

8. George Hook

I think George Hook has a point about cyclists. I had the misfortune of having a weaving muppet on a bicycle for company on the narrow footpath out by the Mercy. I told him what I thought about him. I felt like an old crank at that stage anyway. 

9. Marco

I think Marco is a great training partner. I passed him at 22 miles. "Alright Marco" "My hip is goosed boi." I thought I'd never see him again but there he was right behind me at the finish. Those Tuesday 15 milers around the Blarney Trail worked. 

10. Walk Down

I think I wasn't in the best condition after the marathon. There was no warm down, just a walk down. I think I'll have to do more marathons. They're horrendously fantastic.

Being bored the night before the Cork City Marathon

10 Things I Think About being bored the night before the Cork City Marathon 

1. Weather

I'm very worried about the weather. The cork athletics website said there might be wind. I've never run in wind before, this will be very scary. To mitigate this risk I have shaved my legs so as to glide through the air like a formula one car.

2. Haircut 

I got my pre-race haircut in C4. I just showed the barber a picture of my €55 haircut. It only cost €15. It's not quite the same. Douglas isn't Berlin.

3. Tapering 

I absolutely detest tapering. It's terrible, you never feel tired, you can't eat as much food and you can't go for a second run in the evening. It's awful. Never again. 

4. Weight

I think I'm too heavy. 80kg is too much, I was 78kg at the start of the week. Tapering is terrible. If I tapered every week I'd be 134kg by Christmas.

5. Height

I think I'm too tall to be any good at running. Unfortunately I can't lose height. Perhaps a vitamin shop in Cork might have a supplement that would help me lose height to improve my running.

6. Equipment

The shoes I'm wearing tomorrow are absolutely knackered but I don't want to risk a new pair. I've gone through approximately 12 pairs of the Brooks Ghost 7 and I'm down to the last one. The new model is the 9. I don't like change, I skipped the 8 entirely. I'm sure they'll survive one final run. The shoes have London 2012 on them, that was a long time ago. Why do they have to change the bloody models, it was fine, leave it alone.

7. Nutrition 

I think my nutrition plan will be fine as it doesn't involve any nutrition. This is a good plan.

8. Hills

I've never run uphill in a marathon before as I've only ever run Berlin. This will be a new experience. I'm very worried as tall heavy objects don't travel well uphill.

9. Indefatigability
 
I have secured a lone of John Meade's indefatigability for Sunday. As a result I will spend the whole marathon effortlessly running 6 minute mile pace while telling interesting stories to anyone who happens to be running beside me. 

10. Despacito

I do have a plan for the first three miles and that is to do them relatively slowly.

Tapering for the Cork City Marathon

10 Things I Think About Tapering for the Cork City Marathon

1. Leaving Cert

The Cork City Marathon is a lot like the Leaving Cert. It's on the first week in June, you pray that the weather isn't hot, you're pretty sure of the questions that will be asked and you get lots of questionable advice from people on how best to approach it. The only real difference is that my mother couldn't care less how well I do in the marathon.

2. Laois Hire

I think those signs on the motorway warning about the impending traffic chaos as a result of the marathon are actually injury inducing. Every time I pass those signs I see the words "you're not running the marathon are you, you'll definitely get injured again like the last time you tried".

3. Religion

I think tapering is against my beliefs. The concept disagrees with me. I have similar beliefs to Trump, I think the human body only has so much energy, except I think you may as well make use of it while you're fit and healthy. If I can run, I'd rather run.

4. Kobe Beef

I think stress is responsible for most niggles and injuries, I'm not a very stressed person but sometimes you have to do stressful things. Apparently Kobe beef is so good because the animals have no stress. This is because they get fed beer, listen to music and get lots of massage. I think I'll do that this week, drink some beer, listen to music and get massage.

5. Niggle

I don't think a marathon would be complete without a career threatening injury or minor niggle. My injury/minor niggle involved my right hamstring taking on the properties of a guitar string. Of course I tried to run on it for two days which played on the tendons at the base of the hamstring. Thankfully a good massage removed the guitar string, unfortunately the tendons remain less than harmonious. They're getting happier every day so I'm not too worried.  I know I'm nearly better because the niggle is moving back to my left calf, in my experience this is the best place to store your niggle.

6. Disease

Disease is another potential threat to a marathon. I used always get a disease before exams. To protect myself from diseased people I have been taking a Yakult every morning and evening along with some more probiotics and Vitamin D. Salazar and Team Sky are always right. I also keep a bottle of hand sanitising gel in the door pocket of the car as you never know when you might meet a diseased person, more marginal gains.

7. Diet

I read that a lot of people use a carbohydrate depletion diet in the week before the marathon. I was tempted by this because it sounded mad and the people In the 1980s running book did it. Then I thought about it logically and realised that it makes no sense to do something you've never done before the week before a marathon, having said that I've never tapered before either.

8. Pace

I think whatever pace I run at will be either too fast or too slow. There are all sorts of pace calculators that you can use. Marco has one and McMillan too. I think I'll stick to the Donie Walsh pace calculator. This is not available on the Internet.

9. Gels

I think gels are a marginal gain that I can live without, I know they help but so do lots of things. I'd rather not end up like Tom Dumoulin at the Giro. Marginal gains can easily turn into major losses.

10.Jinxed

I've probably jinxed the marathon now by writing about it. I don't know why the marathon is so important. You know what, it's identical to the Leaving Cert, you can just do it again if you don't  get the result you want.

Pfizer 6 Mile Road Race 2017

10 Things I Think About The Pfizer 6 Mile

1. The Sacrifice

Today I felt like a GAA player. I would have loved a Green Safron Curry and a slice of pizza at the farmers market but my inner GAA player decided that this would not be a good idea. Instead I settled for a focaccia and salad. You have to make the sacrifice.

2. 5 miles

Someone saw me running 5 miles at work this morning. He met me at the race and said that I was mad. "Are you just jogging around tonight then?" Nah I'll give it a lash, "so all out then" ah no I'll just see how I feel. This confused him even more.

3. Doping Regime

I took my ventolin 20 minutes before the race. According to Twitter this means I'm a doper. I don't care. (I have a prescription)

4. Warm Up

Thanks to my doping the warm up was very easy. Perhaps Twitter is right.

5. Start

Thanks to the many miles and many beers in my favourite country (Spain not Germany) my legs were as fresh as a pint of Paulaner in an Irish bar in Malaga. It was like starting a car in 4th gear. It gets going eventually but it's not good for the clutch.

6. ACL

For some reason I spent the whole day worried that I'd torn my ACL in my right knee during the race on Sunday. This made no sense, my knee is perfect. I think it is because I listened to a podcast about Zlatan's knee while falling asleep last night and my brain was confused by the birthday can of IPA I drank before bed. I am not Zlatan.

7. Colder but Hotter

Ireland is very cold but for some reason you sweat more in Ireland than Spain. This doesn't make sense.

8. The Race

I'd a great battle with Brian Hegarty, I spent the whole last mile waiting for him to sprint by but it never happened. 4th place is good but no podium today. This makes me unhappy. I like podiums. I would have liked another bag of chickpeas too.

9. Farmers Tan

I don't know why the lads marshalling the finishing pen found my "oh jaysus, that nearly killed me" so funny. Perhaps they were laughing at my ridiculous farmers tan. I really should have worn singlets more in Spain. It looks like I'm wearing long brown gloves.

10. The Gardai

I got stopped by the Gardai on the drive home. They were checking for drink driving. I wasn't too worried. "You've been running I'd say" ah yeah, I ran a race in Cork, "Tracton" nah Ringaskiddy BHAA 6 miler "go on embarrass me what time" 33:50. "Jaysus, go on off you go". No breathalyser.The Gardai are sound. Runners must be trustworthy people.

Media Maraton Pirineo del la Costa De Sol Alfarnate 2017

10 Things I Think About The Media Maraton Pirineo del la Costa De Sol Alfarnate

1. Alfarnate

I think a holiday in Spain is incomplete without a trip to a small random road race in the absolute middle of nowhere. Alfarnate is to Malaga, what Donoughmore is to Cork City, about 30km away, at the top of a beautiful hill, full of old people who drink beer at 10am on a Sunday morning and pass away the day tormenting the local shopkeeper. It's real Spain.

2. Parking

I think there wasn't much thought given to the race parking. The streets of Alfarnate were designed to make it easy to defend from Catholic marauders not to accommodate Citroen rental cars with dodgy clutches. After many failed attempts we eventually found a "space" beside a bin which was guarded by wasps the size of birds.

3. Registration

I missed the online registration deadline for the race which meant we had to pay the exorbitant late entry fee of €15 (an extra €3). My Spanish was as good as the locals English which meant that we had no problem communicating. I just handed them my drivers license, John used his birth cert or some other old paper document hence the full name John Joseph O'Connell on the results. The goody bad had a bag of local artisan volcano shaped biscuits and a flyer. The biscuits go very well with a can of Aquarius.

4. Warmup

We had cut the 10am start time a bit tight as we had a late night watching Tony Adams attempt to manage a football team in Granada. I did 10 minutes out and back the road terrified that I'd miss the 10am start. I needn't have worried, they seemed to have forgotten that they had a full programme of juvenile road races to run off so there was a slight 30 minute delay. No one seemed to care, there is no stress in Alfarnate.

5. Start

Once the last of the juvenile races had been completed, we were ushered to the non existent start line. The race organisers then had a discussion about the route and decided that we would do a lap of the town and head out the road, well that's what the gesticulations looked like. I decided to just follow the group. As with all races in Spain the look of the runner does not correlate to the speed of the runner. All of the men shave their legs and look like retired Olympic 1500m champions from 1992. I think they just doped everyone in Spain back in 1992 and it's still working now.

6. John is going to kill me

I think John isn't going to trust me about any road races in Spain. I don't think he understands Spain. I had more or less said that it was a nice flat road race, grand for a fellow minding his knee and just looking for a long run. I didn't have any basis for this conclusion as the website was in Spanish and a bit out of date. After the first kilometre it was clear that this was not a normal Half Marathon. Once the lap of the town had been completed we were straight onto a dirt trail winding up the mountain. John doesn't like trails. The camber was bad too. I felt guilty.

7. Water

Spain is very hot, I was very worried about water stops however every 5k they had manned stations with my new favourite drink Aquarius and water. I just sipped the water and poured the bottle over my head. I snatched third place in the race by skipping the last water station, the local Alfarnative had to slow down to collect a bottle which allowed me to get a gap. This was my marginal gain for the day, strategic dehydration. Bet Team Sky never thought of that.

8. Finish

I felt really good for the last few km of the race, probably because I was lighter from strategic dehydration. The race finished through the narrow high walled streets of the town, there really is nothing better than running through a high walled street in Spain with people shouting "vamos bueno" and "venga venga". There wasn't really a finish line, I just got back to the start where they made me hug the guys in first and second before being handed a can of beautiful Aquarius. I was expecting to be waiting 15 minutes for John but a minute later he arrived smiling, "ah well you know, I couldn't have auld fellas beating me"

9. Podium

I think we need podiums at races in Cork. Constant sunshine, temperatures in the twenties and a limitless supply of Aquarius makes sitting around waiting for the podium a pleasure. They don't really do post race spreads in Spain, just lots of Aquarius. Aquarius is really nice. For some reason I got to stand on the podium twice. Once for finishing second in the senior category and once for finishing third overall. The more podiums the better. John even got a go for coming second M35.

10. Prizes

I think the prizes in Spain are much better than Cork, who wants €100 when you can get a lovely plaque and a sack of the local farmers finest product. I'm going to wait until I get home to open the sack. I'm sure it's good stuff.

Balintotis 4 Mile 2017

10 Things I Think about the Ballintotis 4 Mile

1. Not Killeagh

The best thing about Ballintotis is that you don’t have to drive through Killeagh to get to it.

2. Summer Evening Races

Its great to have the summer races back, its probably not the best preparation for a race to work all day, but it is a great way to spend the evening. It never seems to rain.

The only problem is trying to sleep after an 8pm race, I always get to sleep easily but then wake up at 3:14am wide awake. Its always 3:14 on the clock. I tried a beer this time but all the beer did was mean that I woke up at 3:14 feeling sick. This must be what its like to be old.

3. Roads

I’ve never been to North Korea, but if I had, I imagine I would think that North Korea has a better road network than East Cork. Cycling has the pave for Paris Roubaix, why can’t the bóithríns of Ballintotis be the same. They might have to take out a protection order like they do for the pave to maintain them in their un-maintained state. Although I severely doubt Cork County Council are going to do anything to them anytime soon. The potholed surface adds character, it would be a pity to lose it.

4. Organisation

I’ve never been to North Korea, but if I had I imagine that they would organise a road race with the same sort of military precision as they do in Ballintotis. Everything worked so smoothly despite the crumbling infrastructure. The race started exactly precisely on time, this is very unusual anywhere except Germany. They even had people line up based on estimated times and people actually obeyed. A really great race.

5. Race Flyers

I think the only time I ever look at race flyers is when I spend the entire journey home wondering at what speed they will remove themselves from the wiper blade. 120kph on the motorway takes care of most flyers, they vibrate furiously at 100kph. I still don't know what races they were promoting. Perhaps it's designed this way, someone in Fermoy is going to find one of those flyers and probably go to the race, ingenious really.

6. Shoes

I finally decided to try some sort of racing shoe. I normally just race in the big heavy Brooks Ghosts that I wear every other day. I think there’s less risk of injury wearing a big cushioned shoe as I'm a big lump but it doesn’t make it easy to get up on your toes. I bought a pair of the Brooks Launch, they're still not exactly racers but they are much lighter than the Ghosts. I can also put my insoles in them. I really don’t think it makes that much difference but at least you look like you’re racing, this is important.

7. Mileage

My main excuse is that I’m training for the marathon (Cork) and I am very tired and hungry. Mileage doesn’t make you faster (unless you take lots of drugs to recover). The first mile was horrible, the mind was willing but my legs were not. I got going after a mile and the last three actually felt good. The thing with training for a marathon is that is that it can be used as an explanation for every performance, if you run badly it’s because of the marathon training, if you run well it’s because of the marathon training. It's great really, I think I will always be training for a marathon.

8. Mile Splits

I’m not entirely sure that I trust the guys calling out the mile splits, I’m pretty sure everyone was told their first mile was 5:25.

9. Ian

I had the pleasure of racing (and being beaten by) Ian O’Leary over the last two miles. I can still hear his cadence, it is exactly 8 times faster than mine. It sounds like there are eight people running behind you all of whom are wearing Irish dancing shoes. All I learned is that in a sprint, twinkle toes is faster than a lumbering lump like myself. It's always good fun to race a club mate, it's not fun to be beaten. Next time I'll win the sprint.

10. Spread

I can’t comment on the quality of the spread as the queue was too long when I got back after the warm down. This must mean it was excellent. I don’t particularly like spreads anyway so I settled for a few slices of sourdough bread and olive oil when I got home, hipster recovery food.

Berlin

10 Things I Think about Berlin

1. Hipsters

Berlin is probably the hipster capital of the world, beards and coffee shops everywhere. Even the Russian taxi driver understood what a hipster was.

Eh...vot es hipster?

You know, beards and coffee.

Eh Yes heepsters.

2. Brunch

Flamingo Fresh Food down by the Bahnhof is the best place for breakfast, brunch or lunch. For some unknown reason German lunch starts at 11am so you need to get there early for breakfast. It has a never ending moving queue full of hipsters and business people but it's worth the wait. Great sandwiches and soup. Perfect coffee. Mohnkuchen is a very nice cake.

3. City Walks

City walks are a great way to see a city. A four hour tour of East Berlin sounds like it's too much but it flies by. Phil the Irish tour guide from Dublin was brilliant, you learn all sorts of things like why Hitler built the Berlin Wall.

4. Howard

Howard is a legend. He was manning the exit barriers from the half marathon. A very big man from Accra in Ghana. He started giving out to me for not speaking German while I was waiting for Conor to return the timing chip. He informed us that he had gotten up at 1am to drive from Bremen to earn some extra money to fund his Kenny G habit. His wife was not very happy about this, "Man someday I won't be here, it's very important to enjoy your life." "I love jazz especially Kenny G, but my wife, she ask, why you spend all your money on Kenny G".

5. Post Half Marathon Party

The main lesson I learned from the weekend is that the official post half marathon party is not as boring as you'd think. I always thought it would be a waste of time. Very wrong. It was on in the Puro-Sky Lounge. I even got a selfie with Masai, the winner of the men's race. Lots of dancing, however a disappointing absence of techno music. A fun game to play is where do you think I'm from, apparently I'm from Czech Republic.

6. Russian Bouncers

Russian Bouncers are possibly the scariest people on earth. The bouncer for the Puro-Sky Lounge was a 6'10 Russian. We dared to enter with our jackets on.

"You vill put zour jackets in"

"Yes, yes we will"

It could have been €50, you'd have put your jacket in, thankfully it was only €1.

7. Beer

Beer in Berlin is like ham in Spain, it's fantastic and there are lots of varieties. The Beer section in every shop is the same size as the ham section in Spain. It's fantastically cheap, they even do nice non-alcoholic versions and won't think you're ill if you ask for one. These are best consumed immediately after running, just like ham.

8. Hackenthals

An absolute gem of a German restaurant. 16th on trip advisor in Berlin. They had their own beer, a dunkel which tasted like a sweet Guinness, it was lovely. The ghoulash and apple strudel was incredible, I don't think there's much better. Very good value, free Polish vodka if it's your birthday, just don't mention Brexit to the Dundeers sitting next to you.

9. Not Spain

Everything works in Berlin, you won't wait pointlessly in a supermarket queue. You won't wait long for a U-bahn. It's definitely not like Spain. Although if you walk down the street in a Real Betis jersey people will shout "Betis, Betis" at you. Secretly I think they'd like to be Spanish, it's more fun.

10. €55

It will cost you €55 for a haircut in Berlin, it will be a very nice haircut and take almost two hours. They will wash your hair and spin you around in the chair randomly. They will only cut the sides. Kenny G will be playing in the background. Howard would approve.

Berlin Half Marathon

10 Things About the Berlin Half Marathon

1. Elites and Blaggers

We had the fortune to meet Seán Hehir at Dublin airport, what a nice guy. When we arrived in Berlin we entered the arrivals hall where Heiko from the race organisation was waiting to transport Sean to his hotel. Sean kindly asked if we could hitch a lift to our AirBnB. Heiko said it was no problem as he was going to Mitte to meet his girlfriend anyway. Blagging works. Nice Peugeot SW to transport us to the door. Heiko asked which one of the three of us was the fastest. I took this as a compliment.

2. AirBnB

Conor and I had booked an AirBnB in Mitte (think C4 in Cork or D4 in Dublin). Lovely new IKEA'd apartment with tall ceilings, white walls and a lovely balcony, perfect for having breakfast in the sun. Berlin is nice. I could live here, hipsters everywhere.

3. Expo

We got the U-bahn down to the Expo on Saturday evening. Not being a fan of public transport in general I just followed Conor. I could be converted. It kind of works in Germany. I haven't seen any strikes.

4. Massage

The Expo was pretty much the same as the full marathon expo lots of randomness that you'd never buy anywhere else. There was was,one good stall where they were selling Bosnia Herzegovina and Croatia t-shirts for €5, I bought three. I don't know why but you feel obliged to spend money at these things, it's sort of like the ploughing match for farmers, where they just have to buy that independent suspension trailer despite having one already. I then found the massage tent where they were offering 20 minutes of massage for €15. I told Conor I'd only be 20 minutes. 50 minutes later (Conor says it was more like an hour) I emerged fully refreshed, slight calf niggle sorted. I just kept talking to the masseuse and he kept working. Blagging works.

5. Donie Walsh and Salazar

We spent the evening before the race with a beer watching YouTube videos of Donie Walsh at the Munich Olympics and Alberto Salazar's duel in the sun. Inspirational stuff. I'm sure this has never been done before. The beer normally helps avoid the cursed broken sleep.

6. Warm Up

The AirBnB was about 3 miles from the start, perfect warm up. I woke at 730 after a broken sleep. Broken sleep is an awful curse, I'd hate to be old. On the jog down to the start we met this really serious German runner, I tried to start a conversation but he was having none of it, very angry man. At the first junction he deliberately went the wrong direct just to avoid us. God am I that annoying. I mean I didn't even get a chance to go on a rant about doping.

7. Shaved Legs

The start was a mix of Ballycotton and Berlin Marathon, they had an A pen, but this was anything up to 1:30, it was pretty packed. The one main difference between Ballycotton and the Berlin Half is shaved legs. 90% of the men had shaved legs. There were a lot of hairy backs, a hairy back (very hairy) and shaved legs makes no sense.

8. Start

The start of the race is the exact same as Ballycotton, the local (whatever the Berlin equivalent of a GAA player is, decides that the best way to break his 1:35 Half Marathon PB is to run the opening mile in 5:20. A complete caramboulage. Didn't think the Germans would do chaos, considering that when you J walk all you hear is entschuldigung. Anyway it eventually thins out after about 2 km.

9. Course

The course is pretty perfect, flatter than the farm. First 9 km is arrow straight, there was a subtle breeze but by Irish standards it was still. I ran well enough but the wheels came off towards the finish. The angry German from the warm up passed me at 20km, I really wanted to catch up and crush him but try as I might I couldn't, the tank was empty. Conor ran a fantastic PB for the half marathon, he will have to stop improving, it's very unfair.

10. Medical Tent/Sauna

I ended up in the medical tent or sauna after the race. I did a wobbler at the finish line, the normal XC thing although a bit more. I thought they'd have known that the worst thing you could do with an Irish man after a warm race is to heat him up even more by putting him in a tent. Anyway I recovered quickly, chatting away to the German girl who had the misfortune of treating me. I think she thought I was trying to chat her up, her supervisor wasn't very impressed. Apparently they're not supposed to talk to us in Germany, I told her it was normal in Ireland, she liked that.

Ballycotton 10 2017

10 Things I Think About The Ballycotton 10

1. Wind

"Ní hé lá na gaoithe lá na ras."

So foul and fair a day I have not seen. Beautiful sunny day but a with a malevolent northerly wind, very unusual for Ballycotton. The wind was that spirit crushing kind you get on a bike. I haven't experienced such misery since climbing the Vee on a bike. That evil sort of wind that makes you think your brake is rubbing. Not a day for big tall lump like me, no shelter, although quite a few people took shelter behind me.

2. Quaint

Ballycotton is a beautiful quaint village, 3000 people is not a quaint number of people. I prefer the small 5 mile races, much more character. If you hang around afterwards the quaintness returns, perhaps the wind blew it out to sea.

3. Excuses

Any good athlete has a ready made list of excuses like "those testosterone patches were just a delivery error" or "the jiffy bag contained fluimucil definitely not triamcinalone". Mine was five weeks missed training with a torn post tib tendon. Unlike Team Sky I think my excuse might stand up to scrutiny by a House of Commons committee. I hope they call me.

4. Swedish House Mafia

I spent the hour before the race reading the Sunday Times in the car trying to psych myself up. It didn't work. I really should stop reading David Walsh's column.

5. Elites

I don't know why I didn't even try and blag my way into the elite entry pen. I'm not elite but that didn't seem to be important. I'm normally better at blagging. If you can blag your way into an airport lounge, the start line of ballycotton should be a piece of cake.

6. Start

The start of Ballycotton is an exercise in running restraint, you know you shouldn't be running too fast but it's extremely disconcerting to be overtaken by the full forward line of the local GAA team. I think I caught them.....eventually.

7. First Mile

I dislike the way they call out the splits. All I heard was "that's not very good, is it?" Not a good sign.

8. White Dog vs Black Dog

The black dog on my right shoulder was having a serious disagreement with the white dog on my left shoulder all race. Very nasty that black dog, he had the poor white dog by the throat out around Ballymaloe, I thought he was going to kill him. He doesn't say anything during the cross country, he must like the grass.

9. Finish

With the malevolent wind at your back the finish wasn't too bad. I was more happy to be not be listening to the black dog anymore. The white dog is much nicer, pity he was so quiet today.

10. T-Shirt and Mug.

Sure how bad. There are worse ways to spend a Sunday. It's just that much like Macbeth, If it were done when 'tis done, then 'twere well It were done quickly".